Archive for June, 2009

:(

Posted in Uncategorized on June 26, 2009 by Bex

Okay God I really need You to come through for me again. :(

I have failed again at being consistent and using my time well and I wish I could read Urdu so I could do a better job at this, especially since all the critics keep making snide comments about how bad the translations are. And argh, I do wish there were more hours in a day so I could miraculously come up with some kind of draft and send it to my prof by TOMORROW since Monday will be way too late. At the moment I have nothing at all. How? God, HELP!

And oh yeah, God? I really don’t think a life of research is for me. I get too restless.

Maybe this is God’s way of showing me that my own plans are never as good as the ones He has in mind for me. So, seriously, NO POST GRAD. Unless it’s Bible school or theology or something like that. But even then, I’m not so sure anymore. I’m not very fond of this form of learning.

Jesus Culture

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2009 by Bex



You Won’t Relent

I don’t wanna talk about You
Like You’re not in the room
I wanna look right at You
I wanna sing right to You

***

Past few days have been good, God has been affirming what’s on His heart for all of us: the Father’s heart, which is so cool. :)

I just feel so encouraged to see so many of us having the same kind of vision, direction and purpose, but God has been showing us different areas that He wants us to bring this vision and purpose into. It reminds me so much of 1 Corinthians 12, where Paul talks about spiritual gifts and being one in the body of Christ.

***

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Until You and I are one.

***

How He Loves Us

Kaulah Segalanya

Posted in Uncategorized on June 23, 2009 by Bex

***

RencanaMu indah bagiku
Kau ada di s’tiap jalanku
Hatiku haus dan lapar
Akan Engkau

And You Came to My Rescue

Posted in Uncategorized on June 22, 2009 by Bex

My whole life I place in Your hands
God of Mercy, humbled I bow down
In Your presence, at Your throne

I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
Wanna be where You are

***

Lord, I am so sorry for doubting You.

Even though it totally breaks my heart today REALISING how many people I know are fatherless and how many people are hurting today because they don’t have a father to celebrate father’s day with, I realised that there is nothing You can call me to, or ask me to do, or any message You want me to declare, that can be considered peripheral. It made me realise that any little dream that You put upon my heart is SO important because it really MEANS something, and can change someone’s life, and You would not have called me to do it if it did not also break Your heart a million times more than it did mine.

Lord if I haven’t heard You wrong all those years back, please let me do this even though I know I will whine about it throughout the entire process and even though I have absolutely NO IDEA how I’m gonna fit all my “little” dreams that really aren’t all that little into THIS little life that You have given me. Because I want to have compassion for these people the way You do. I want to help them and I want to have an opportunity to touch the lives of this fatherless generation and tell them that they are NOT fatherless after all, because their heavenly father loves them more than they can ever imagine. It’s the kind of love no one can put words to, it’s the kind of love no one can talk about without breaking down and just making a fool out of themselves, it’s the kind of love that never ever ends and never tires itself out loving, and it’s the kind of love that we need the most.

***
In my life, be lifted high
In our world, be lifted high
In our love, be lifted high

***
I was debating with God about the same old thing.

And I said, “God, these people who have never heard of You…they need You more than all these ‘intellectual’ people who waste their lives MOCKING You. And they are just so pretentious and this and that…”

And it was crazy, God very gently showed me that this is exactly why they need Him – and in some ways, they need Him MORE than those who have never heard of Him, because they’re deliberately rejecting Jesus and subscribing to their own self-made gods designed in their own image – because these people are so empty inside all they have to hide behind is an “intellectual” facade. That is their way of asserting their self-importance so they can convince themselves that they have a lot of worth, and that they don’t need God to love them.

And He showed me Hebrews 12:3 and in my Bible it said “Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people, then you won’t become weary and give up”, and there was an asterik next to it and the footnote said, “Some manuscripts read Think of how people hurt themselves by opposing Him.”

And wow when I read that I just felt very sure that the most important thing God wanted me to get out of that verse is that He hurts so much when people hurt themselves by opposing Him. It isn’t even their act of turning against Him that hurts Him as much, but it’s the fact that these people are just groping around in darkness, planning their own self-destruction, thinking that they’re doing well, or pretending that they’re doing well and they don’t need Him, that really really hurts Him.

And I felt God just giving me a kind of understanding about how intellectual people feel inside and it was absolutely heartbreaking for me. Maybe because I know that I was so nearly like that. I could’ve been so nearly like that if God didn’t pull me out of it through Chinh.

And of course it’s so easy to just say, “God I’ll do anything You want me to” but it’s so much harder to just trust that God knows what He’s doing even when He’s throwing you into the lion’s den or wherever.

But He does, and I know that I owe all that I am to a God who loves me so much that all that He asks me to do is to make sure that people around me are not hurting themselves too by rejecting Him. Because these people don’t know how lost they are…and how God feels when He looks at them.

And I think they deserve to know, because He was so overcome with grief that He died for them, He died for everyone.

“The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.”

Posted in Uncategorized on June 19, 2009 by Bex

So yesterday I went to church and God’s word for me took me by surprise:

“You need to believe in the impossible because God is going to make them happen in spite of your circumstances.”

I don’t really know/understand what it means yet but I’m excited just by the idea that God wants to do impossible things in my life, in and through me.

Recently God has awakened a few of my abandoned dreams and I kept finding myself thinking I’m never going to be able to achieve them – I’m socially awkward and so slow and stupid in person that I never know how to connect with people or even have a basic conversation with them, and there’s just so much WORK that I’m not sure I can do well enough because HERE’S my limit and THAT’S what people want but WHAT do I want? Is it okay to be greedy and to want to do all these things at once? – and feeling even scared to be thinking of them at all because they seem so far away and just so beyond what my natural ability is capable of and I want to tell God to give me the easy way out, even though I don’t know what that means and in some ways, THAT dream is an easy way out.

And to add to that confusion, sitting there in the middle of some village in Vietnam, I felt the presence of God so strongly that I couldn’t even stand up. That has never happened before. And as God as tugging at my heart, I was thinking and telling Him back, “I truly am happy here. I love these people, I love their hunger for You, I love their passion for You, I love how happy they are even though they have nothing, I love their simplicity and pure joy, I love all these simple people God. Why do You want me to reach out to the intellectuals? This feeling is irreplaceable, I could REALLY live here…”

And I thought, “God I really don’t understand how my calling can be for BOTH the intellectuals and simple people…help me understand how that is going to work out.”

I don’t know but maybe God just gave me an answer last night, although I think that also refers to something more specific, something more in the present.

You know what’s funny? A few months ago God told me that I’m really excited about my future but the truth is that I don’t really know what my future entails so I find it funny that God said that. Except maybe HE is excited about my future and He cannot wait to see what my reaction will be when I reach it and see all that He has planned for me. And that’s what I’m excited about. Knowing that my future is in God’s hands and that wherever I go, regardless of whether or not I achieve my dreams, even if I find myself in a place I never imagined I would be, God will be there with me.

And a life with God can only be exciting.

So I’m excited!

I have the best cell leader

Posted in Uncategorized on June 18, 2009 by Bex

She really is the most patient and loving person I’ve ever met.

Only thing is her prayers are always REALLY REALLY long hahaha but that’s because you know that she really loves you and wants to cover every single area of your life.

I think I will miss my sister when she’s gone. I get really silly with her around [except when she's complaining to me, like all the time, then I must be the "big sister"] and we just do the craziest things like laugh non-stop in the middle of a prayer.

So we were talking to Elysia and she was complaining to us about the other cell members and how exhausting it is to deal with them because they do not know how to interact socially and they call her about 3 times in a row and keep saying the same thing. And once when we had lunch with her husband, he was saying, “I always know when ____ calls, coz I’ll see Elysia take on deep breath before she picks up the phone.”

And it made me feel bad because I was REALLY grumpy a few Saturdays ago and not in the mood at all to be talking to people and then she sent me a message telling us we have a dress code and so I was so annoyed I started texting Nic to complain about not being able to fit into communities…and I accidentally sent it to Elysia.

And she didn’t scold me at all. She didn’t even mention it actually. Maybe it’s because, as she always says, “I don’t think Becky cares about what other people say at all [about herself].” I have a feeling this is also why Pastor Rachel never dares to scold me haha.

But yeah I felt really bad because it’s not her fault, she’s just following orders. And I can’t imagine what it must be like being the cell leader of the largest cell group because all the new people and whoever the rest “can’t handle” just automatically get thrown into our cell group for some reason and we no longer really get to have fun in cell the way we used to.

I really admire her, and will miss her when I’m gone. She’s so strong and so beautiful. I hope that one day God’s love will shape me to become as wise and passionate as she is.

The Gospel as Fairy Tale

Posted in Uncategorized on June 15, 2009 by Bex

“Let the preacher tell the truth. Let him make audible the silence of the news of the world with the sound turned off so that in that silence we can hear the tragic truth of the Gospel, which is that the world where God is absent is a dark and echoing emptiness; and the comic truth of the Gospel, which is that it is into the depths of his absence that God makes Himself present in such unlikely ways and to such unlikely people that old Sarah and Abraham and maybe when the time comes even Pilate and Job and Lear and Henry Ward Beecher and you and I laugh till the tears run down our cheeks. And finally let him preach this overwhelming of tragedy by comedy, of darkness by light, of the ordinary by the extraordinary, as the tale that is too good not to be true because to dismiss it as untrue is to dismiss along with it that catch of the breath, that beat and lifting of the heart near to or even accompanied by tears, which I believe is the deepest intuition of truth that we have.”

- Frederick Buechner

Oh Wow #4586266

Posted in Uncategorized on June 15, 2009 by Bex

“When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to Abram and said to him, “I am Almighty God; walk before Me and be blameless.”
—Genesis 17:1

Without argument, most things are at their best when they are fulfilling their purpose and design.

For instance, a piano is made with a specific purpose: to produce music. However, I happen to know that someone once stood on a piano in order to put a fastener of some kind in the ceiling. Some artistic women have used piano tops as family picture galleries. I have seen piano tops that were cluttered filing cabinets or wide library shelves.

There is an intelligent design in the creation of a piano. The manufacturer did not announce: “This is a good piano. It has at least 19 uses!” No, the designer had only one thought in mind: “This piano will have the purpose and potential of sounding forth beautiful music!”…

Do not miss the application of truth here. God was saying to Abraham, “You may have some other idea about the design and purpose for your life, but you are wrong! You were created in My image to worship Me and to glorify Me. If you do not honor this purpose, your life will degenerate into shallow, selfish, humanistic pursuits.”

- Tozer

God centered or me centered?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 15, 2009 by Bex

Got this from one of my favourite bloggers! Shall bold the ones that apply to me:

God centered, humble woman (and men)
1. Rejoice when God blesses others [sometimes, although I must admit sometimes it makes me dwell on my OWN weaknesses far too much]
2. Long for opportunities to serve others
3. Give the benefit of the doubt
4. Overflow with Gratitude
5. Listen
6. Are flexible
7. Compliment everyone
8. Have many close friends
9. Dwells on Gods goodness
10. Accept responsibility
11. Don’t hide their failures
12. Depend on God

13. Risk being hurt [It's something I'm working on every day...learning to let God break me so that the world can no longer break me.]
14. Expect nothing
15. Recount their blessing

16. Are addicted to prayer
17. Celebrate the smallest efforts of others [I try to do this!]
18. Appreciate being corrected
19. Value others opinions
20. Linger in God’s Word
21. Enjoy contentment
22. Are long-suffering
23. Seek to be peacemakers
24. Have nothing to complain about
25. Agonize over their sin
26. Are pained to talk about themselves
27. Share their own failures

28. Ask for help
29. Extend forgiveness quickly
30. Submit
31. Praise others often
32. Desire God’s glory
33. Are happy to obey
34. Put others first
35. Embrace trials
36. Think they have more then they deserve
37. Seek accountability
38. Are transparent
39. Rest in God’s promises
40. Want more of God

Me centered, proud woman (and men)
1. Feel self-sufficient
2. Desire to be served
3. Rehearse wrongs she has suffered
4. Criticize
5. Must have the last word
6. Won’t say “I was wrong”
7. Are unteachable
8. Complain against God
9. Look down on others [Sometimes :( ]
10. Only have compassion for themselves
11. Don’t have close friends
12. Value perfectionism
13. Gossip
14. Use people
15. Are easily irritated
16. Linger in self-pity
17. Want to control others
18. Continually share their opinion
19. Blame shift
20. Feel worthy
21. Love public recognition and praise
22. Ridicule
23. Languish over being wronged
24. Rarely feel the need to pray
25. Don’t think God does enough for them
26. Need the approval of others
27. Compare themselves to others
28. Quickly excuse their sin
29. Don’t ask for forgiveness
30. Protect their time and talents from others [This is really bad but it's one of my struggles and one that I'm really learning to deal with...I wouldn't say that I protect my time/talents from others but sometimes I do always feel like I'm not good enough to give]
31. Care more for their own reputation than God’s
32. Get angry when corrected or criticized
33. Crave attention
34. Magnify others sin
35. Make excuses for themselves
36. Desires God’s will done her way
37. Flee accountability
38. Love to talk about themselves
39. Are self-conscious
40. Can’t be pleased

Unfortunately, I think I’m more self-centered than God-centered. Or at least I feel the effect of the self-centered ones more than the God-centered ones. Especially when it comes to being completely self-sufficient, easily irritated, hard to please and a perfectionist.

And I was just thinking today that a lot of times when I tell myself I find no joy in the company of people because I am tired of how people always relate to me through a position of self-centeredness, always wanting me to reassure them of their worth, and expecting only me to make them comfortable and make them feel good about themselves, and all that stuff, I am also speaking from my own self-centeredness. And it made me realise how important it is to die to myself every day. Every moment that I am called on to live the way Jesus wants me to, I have to die to myself.

It is hard, but it’s worth it.

Telling the Truth – Frederick Buechner

Posted in Uncategorized on June 15, 2009 by Bex

“One thinks of the prophets of Israel, of Isaiah, Jeremiah, Amos, all of them. They were par excellence the putters of words to things, and the words they put are so thunderous with rage and exultation, with terrible denunciations and terrible promises, that if you are not careful, they drown out everything else there is in the Old Testament and in the prophets themselves. At the level of their words, it is not truth they are telling but particular truths. They are telling about the nations and naming names, telling about Assyria, Babylon, Egypt, Persia, and above all, about Israel as a nation, and the truth they are telling until the veins stand out on their necks and their voices grow hoarse is the truth that by playing power politics Israel is not only bringing about her own destruction as a nation but is acting against her holy destiny, which is to be not a nation among nations but a nation of priests, whose calling it is to be a light to the world. At the level of words, the prophets speak historical, political, theological, and of course, ethical truths as powerfully as anyone has ever spoken them and as daringly, daring even to put their truths into the mouth of God Himself. “I hate, I despise your feasts, and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies,” Amos has God say, “but let justice roll down like mighty waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream” (Amos 5:21-24). Nobody before or since has ever used words to express more powerfully than they our injustice and unrighteousness, our hardness of heart, our pride, our complacency, our hypocrisy, our idolatry, our shallowness, our faithlessness. These particular truths that the prophets speak were crucial for their own times and are crucial also for ours, and any preacher who does not speak them in his own right, naming names including his own name, any religious person who does not heave them at the injustice and unrighteousness of his own time and of himself, runs the risk of being irrelevant, sentimental, a bag of wind. But, at the same time, they are only truths. They are not the truth that Pilate asked for just in case there happened to be any. They are not truth itself, Gospel truth. They are not news because even in the prophets’ day they were not new.

But in addition to particular truths, the prophets spoke truth too, and that was when they were most truly prophetic. They did not speak the good news because the good news had not broken yet, but they spoke news. They put words to things until their teeth rattled, but beneath the words they put, or deep within their words, something rings out which is new because it is timeless, the silence rings out, the truth that is unutterable, that is mystery, that is the way things are, and the reason it rings out seems to be that the language the prophets use is essentially the language of poetry, which more than polemics or philosophy, logic or theology, is the language of truth.

You have only to hear it to recognise it because even in the stately cadences of seventeenth-century English it is there, let alone in the volcanic gutturals of ancient Hebrew. “Hast thou not known?” says Isaiah. “Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? There is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint, and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fail; but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint” (Isa 40:28-31).

Hosea speaks with the dying fall of his own very different images. “I taught Ephraim also to walk, taking them by their arms, but they knew not that I healed them. I drew them with the cords of compassion, with bands of love, and I became as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them. They shall return to the land of Egypt, and Assyria shall be their king, because they have refused to turn to me. The sword shall rage against their cities, consume the bars of their gates and devour their fortresses. Yet how shall I give thee up, O Ephraim? How can I hand you over, O Israel? Mine heart is turned within me. My repentings are kindled within me. I will not execute the fierceness of my anger, and I will not return to destroy Israel, because I am God and not man, the holy one in the midst of thee…” (Hos. 11:3-9)

At the highest reach of his wildest hope, Isaiah speaks also in poetry. “There shall be no more thence an infant that lives but a few days nor an old man that hath not filled out his days. They shall not build and another inhabit. They shall not plant and another eat. They shall not labor in vain nor being forth trouble, and it shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer. While they are yet speaking, I will hear. The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock, and dust shall be the serpent’s food. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain, saith the Lord” (Isa. 65:20-25).

At the lowest ebb of his despair, it is a poem that Jeremiah writes. “O Lord, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived. Thou art stronger than I am and hast prevailed. I am in derision daily. Everyone mocketh me…I will not make mention of thee nor speak any more in thy name. But thy word was in my heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forebearing, and I could not stay…Cursed be the day wherein I was born. Let not the day where in my mother bare me be blessed…Wherefore came I forth out of the womb to see labor and sorrow, that my days shall be consumed with shame?” (Jer. 20:7-18)

And finally the greatest poem of them all. “Who has believed our report and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed? For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant as a root out of a dry ground. He hath no form or comeliness, and when we shall see Him, there is no beauty that we shall desire Him. He is despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief, and we hid as it were our faces from Him. He was despised and we esteemed him not…But He was wounded for our trangressions. He was bruised for our iniquities. Upon Him was the chastisement that made us whole, and with his stripes we are healed” (Isa. 53:2-5).

At the level of words, what do they say, these prophet-preachers? They say this and they say that. They say things that are relevant, lacerating, profound, beautiful, spine-chilling, and more besides. They put words to both the wonder and the horror of the world, and the words can be looked up in the dictionary or the biblical commentary and can be interpreted, passed on, understood, but because these words are poetry, are image and symbol as well as meaning, are sound and rhythm, maybe above all are passion, they set echoes going the way a choir in a great cathedral does, only it is we who become the cathedral and in us that the words echo.

Ethically, politically, religiously, the prophets say what they ought to say, to use Shakespeare’s phrase again, but beyond and even more crucial than that they say what they feel in a language that even across all the centuries and through all the translations and mistranslations causes us to feel them, too. At their most truly prophetic they speak things that my guess is that even they themselves did not entirely understand because they are things that are of truth itself rather than of particular truths, truth itself which cannot finally be understood but only experienced. It is the experience that they stun us with, speaking it out in poetry which transcends all other language in its power to open the doors of the heart. The man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. The one with the cauliflower ear and the split lip. By whose swollen eye and ruptured spleen we are somehow healed. Who can put a word to him and who needs to? They simply hold Him up our gaze. At their most poetic and powerful they do not say something as much as they make something happen.

The preacher pulls the little cord that turns on the lectern light and deals out his note cards like a riverboat gambler. The stakes have never been higher. Two minutes from now he may have lost his listeners completely to their own thoughts, but at this minute he has them in the palm of his hand. The silence in the shabby church is deafening because everybody is listening to it. Everybody is listening including even himself. Everybody knows the kind of things he has told them before and not told them, but who knows what this time, out of the silence, he will tell them?

Let him tell them the truth. Before the Gospel is a word, it is silence. It is the silence of their own lives and of his life. It is life with the sound turned off so that for a moment or two you can experience it not in terms of the words you make it bearable by but for the unutterable mystery that it is. Let him say, “Be silent and know that I am God, saith the Lord” (Ps. 46:10). Be silent and know that even by my silence and absence I am known. Be silent and listen to the stones cry out.

Out of the silence let the only real news come, which is sad news before it is good news and that is fairy tale last of all. The preacher is not brave enough to be literally silent for long, and since it is his calling to speak the truth with love, even if he were brave enough, he would not be silent for long because we are none of us very good at silence. It says too much. So let him use words, but, in addition to using them to explain, expound, exhort, let him use them to evoke, to set us dreaming as well as thinking, to use words as at their most prophetic and truthful, the prophets used them to stir in us memories and longings and intuitions that we starve for without knowing that we starve. Let him use words which do not only try to give answers to the questions that we ask or ought to ask but which help us to hear the questions that we do not have words for asking and to hear the silence that those questions rise out of and the silence that is the answer to those questions. Drawing on nothing fancier than the poetry of his own life, let him use words and images that help make the surface of our lives transparent to the truth that lies deep within them, which is the wordless truth of who we are and who God is and the Gospel of our meeting.”