I didn’t really like him that much during Idol but his “Hallelujah” gave me goosebumps and this is an amazing video, especially for someone who is so camera-shy. 
Now I like him as a person, haha. I liked that he said he wants to be a servant because that’s what Jesus came to be.
This one is amazing as well. Wow, I am speechless.
“Life isn’t an accumulation of abstractions such as love and truth, sin and salvation, atonement and holiness; life is the realization of details that all connect organically, personally, specifically: names and fingerprints, street numbers and local weather, lamb for supper and a flat tire in the rain. God reveals Himself to us not in a metaphysical formulation or a cosmic fireworks display but in the kind of stories that we use to tell our children who they are and how to grow up as human beings, tell our friends who we are and what it’s like to be human. Story is the most adequate way we have of accounting for our lives, noticing the obscure details that turn out to be pivotal, appreciating the subtle accents of colour and form and scent that give texture to our actions and feelings, giving coherence to our meetings and relationships in work and family, finding our precise place in the neighbourhood and in history. Story relishes sharp-edged, fresh-minted details; but story also discovers and reveals the substrata of meaning and purpose and design implicit in all the details. Small and large are accorded equal dignity and linked together in an easy camaraderie by means of story.”
— “Leap Over a Wall”, Eugene Peterson
***
I really do love the way Eugene Peterson writes.
He reminds me of why I should love Lit. Sometimes when I read his books [though I've only read one and a half] it’s like God is tapping at the window of my head and saying, “See, this is WHY I picked Lit for you” and I’m like, “Yeah God, that makes sense. It makes me see Scripture and words as beautiful and full of emotions and energy and if I’m gonna write one day I want my words to be full of emotions and energy too.”
What I love about him is how he just makes you STOP and look at the LITTLEST details and really draws out the life that is at the heart of it…and that is what literature should do to us too, I think. Make you stop and look and take a deep breath and just be amazed that words could sound so beautiful when they’re put together in a certain way.
I want whatever I write to be full of heart…not so much ideas or brilliance. Something that will really connect with THEIR hearts and just make them FEEL the words. Something that will make time stop for people so they’ll sit in silent adoration of a God who makes all things beautiful.
And yes, I’ve quit running away from writing. Maybe it’s just the thought that now that school’s over, I DON’T have to write for anyone, [or at least for a while before I have to start on my URECA project, SIGH] that’s making me see writing in a different light. Maybe it’s because I’m reading a Peterson book about the earthiness of life. Maybe it’s because someone just gave me like the 76248237th notebook this year and I’d be pretty thick to not catch God’s hint from that.
Maybe because God has been telling me so often lately that He wants me to be a voice to the voiceless. And it’s always what I wanted to do with my life I think, ever since I was a very little girl. One of those secret dreams you dare not tell anyone because they would laugh at you for being so stupid and idealistic but it’s so good to know that God doesn’t think it’s TOO idealistic. In fact, I think it’s why He’s putting me through school, to prepare me to be humble enough to put myself at the level of the people whom He will bring to me/bring me to and just listen to their hearts. It gives new purpose to writing. It fills me with so much joy that my heart is swelling and breaking at the same time over the thought of how I am going to make those words accommodate and CARRY all their pain and frustrations and joy and everything else that defines life for them. How can I make the rawness of their emotions come through? Maybe I shouldn’t worry too much, really. After all, I will not let myself write a single word that does not come from the Holy Spirit; and in the end when people read it, it’s up to the Holy Spirit to move them as well, not my words…and I think that is all that really matters.
But I need to train myself to have a heart that is soft enough to absorb their pain, a heart that will learn to beat in accordance with theirs, a heart that will not treat them like a project, but LOVE them.
And boy, judging from my experience with this person, I am going to need a LOT more heart surgery to become like that.
FINALLY TALKED TO MY DADDY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN…A MONTH?
I FEEL SO EXCITED NOW I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SIT FOR A DRAMA EXAM IN 9 HOURS’ TIME. I CAN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HAVE ONLY REALLY STUDIED FOR ONE PLAY, HAHAHA. IT’S JUST LIKE I HAVE THIS JOY THAT IS RADIATING FROM SOMEWHERE INSIDE OF ME…AND I HAVEN’T FELT THIS WAY IN A LONG LONG TIME, THAT “JOY UNSPEAKABLE” (1 PETER 1:8, KJV) THAT THE BIBLE TALKS ABOUT. AND NIC IS RIGHT, I REALLY NEEDED IT, SOMETHING THAT WOULD SPARK OFF SOMETHING IN ME – PASSION? I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT’S RELATED TO THINGS I TRULY LOVE AND WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN – AND I CANNOT STOP BEING HAPPY [-ILY IGNORING DRAMA] AND GOING AROUND WITH THIS HUGE GRIN ON MY FACE!
I AM SO GLAD TO KNOW THAT THERE IS A BIGGER WORLD BEYOND THAT OF DRAMA AND THAT PEOPLE’S LIVES ARE BEING CHANGED!!!
AND I CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT WAIT TO GO HOME AND TALK TO MY DADDY ABOUT A LOT OF EXCITING THINGS.
APPARENTLY HE ALSO HAS A WRITING PROJECT FOR ME…HE WANTS ME TO INJECT SOME “DRAMA” INTO THESE BUNCH OF “PLAIN-SOUNDING STATEMENTS” OF PEOPLE’S TESTIMONIES! HA, HASN’T HE HEARD OF MY NAZI-EDITING? 
HE WILL BE BACK IN MALAYSIA THURSDAY AFTERNOON CAN’T WAIT! =D
ALTHOUGH I WILL HAVE TO WAIT TO SEE HIM COZ I WON’T BE HOME YET.
BUT WHATEVER. =D
NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN NOW.
NOT EVEN DRAMA.
HA.
***
God, no matter what excuses I come up with next time, DON’T let me procrastinate ok!
And sigh, I really want my daddy. 
What is there to be said about this semester?
Sigh I don’t know anymore.
I’ve completely given up on this semester. Or at least in my natural ability to do anything about it.
I don’t know how to account for my apathy. And God, I’m starting to feel very embarrassed about the grades that You’ve given me – aside from the fact that I know I don’t deserve them and it makes me feel like I’m stealing my friends’ grades, people also get annoyed and angry at me when I start ranting about having a hard time. And it’s just been making me feel very frustrated with myself and secretly hoping I do really badly for once just so people will let me be human.
But anyway, this whole not giving my best thing has been bugging me a lot lately. And is making me feel very strange because half of me still can’t care less about school and the other half is like…competitive and pushy.
Ever since God started talking to me about stewardship and the parable of talents…I don’t know but I really see myself as the evil, lazy and wicked servant. And I don’t really know what to do about it.
I messed up my African Lit so badly even though I already knew what would come out because I just had a feeling about some of those questions but I didn’t bother to act upon it and it was just terrible sitting there not having anything good to write. And at moments like these, just like how it was one year ago, funnily enough, I just KNOW that God knew I was gonna mess up, so He purposely gave me good grades for my assignments so I wouldn’t fall too hard. You know what the sad thing was? It was the first time I got a really good grade for a real Lit essay. The first time, and I just threw it away like that. And I just felt like God was showing me that this is how I’ve been treating what He has given me as well…He has given me His best, and I just make a mess out of it over and over again.
And funnily enough as well, just one day ago, Nic was saying, “You’re either a closet closet genius or just God’s favourite kid.”
It’s really ironic though…because never have I felt more like I have 0 ideas in exams and even for essays. Normally they just OVERFLOW and I don’t know what to do with them. This semester I have tried very hard to listen to God’s heart about my essays because I cannot squeeze anything out of myself anymore, there just isn’t anything IN there for me to work with – although I am ashamed to admit I haven’t always followed through with them. It kind of reminds me of how I felt like in my very first sem, and I thought, “GOD WHY DID YOU STRIP AWAY MY PERSONALITY?” and God said that I had to trust that He knew what He was doing, and He was doing this real heart transplant and had to uproot everything that was of me and that would prevent Him from shaping me into someone who is Christ-like.
But it makes me sad to hear that because I know I’ve only been using like 0.0001% of what God has given me and that my attitude REALLY STINKS. And how/what MUST God feel having to rescue me time and time again?
Every semester I feel like God chooses to deal with different parts of my heart [although the fact that this heart surgery thing is NEVERENDING is making me feel a little exhausted. And wanting to give up on myself because goodness if I am SO BAD GOD THEN WHY BOTHER WITH ME?] and after sitting for my paper, I really felt like I had grieved the Holy Spirit, like He was very upset that I was being so thick and that I had not been listening to God properly.
And it was very strange because He still gave me peace, it was like, “Yes you messed up and didn’t listen to me but STILL I will not withdraw my blessings” and it’s just the kind of thing that breaks your heart and makes you feel like crap and humbled and in awe at the same time.
*breathe*
And then today of course, someone put me to shame again by sending me this:
“May we present God with the FIRSTFRUITS of our produce each day, including our exam preparations and performance.”
That really cut through my heart.
And suddenly I could see that this was why the Holy Spirit was so upset with me. I haven’t been giving my best. I just go into every paper deciding to wing it and just not making an effort in anything I do. And as much as God would want me to rely on Him, He doesn’t want me to just stand by and do nothing either. And I remembered again what God said about stewardship, and it makes me feel almost like I’m holding God to ransom with my attitude towards school. It made me feel like I HAVE BEEN LIKE Cain, bringing God my rottenest fruits and only the animals with blemishes all over them. And like Cain, God HAD to put new sacrifices outside my door and say, “Bring these to me instead.”
God, I know there’s not much time left for this this sem…but I really will work on my attitude next semester. Please give me strength and the ability to change God. Because I know that You’ve given me a spirit of self-discipline and not laziness and procrastination and all these things that I CHAMPION WITHOUT SHAME.
Help me to not have my eyes SO fixed on the bigger picture that I miss the little moments that make that bigger picture beautiful, that make it what it is.
And thank You Lord, for Your faithfulness. I hope Lord that one day, You will be TRULY able to say that You are pleased with me because I have been good and faithful. In the mean time, I thank You Lord for being so patient with me.
Oh and one last thing. Can You maybe allow me to do really badly for this exam so I’ll just get out of my silly bubble and stop having such a complacent and apathetic attitude towards school? Or whatever happens to me, I hope my friends do really well this semester. The amount of time and work they’ve been putting into the exams is just astounding. I truly admire people who can be so driven and disciplined and hardworking and focused. I really need a bit of that in my life. Sometimes, as upset as it makes me, I think my parents are really very right about me. Without God, I would’ve been a real failure in life because all I do is dream but I never work towards my dreams.
Aiyah God, HOW? I can’t deal with 2 more years of pretending to push myself to do something I don’t care one ounce about and which I’m fully convinced is one of the most useless things in the world. I need some passion, or at least an iota of INTEREST in what I’m studying would do me good.
God, please help me see this through Your eyes. Because I know this is the route You’ve picked for me and I must LIVE THAT PURPOSE, not just get by like a semi-corpse each semester. The only reason why I think it’s the wrong one is because I can’t see myself/this situation through Your eyes.
1. Malaysia. A lot of changes are taking place, a lot of things I don’t understand. Pray for peace and wisdom for the leaders.
2. Exams! Start tomorrow. I just want to pray that my friends and I will never forget to put God first. That before we even begin to prepare for our exams, we will first go to God and ask Him for strength and wisdom and knowledge and ideas. Most importantly, let us pray that we will not be obsessed with grand ideas or grades, but let us ask God to help us root every single word that we write in the exam hall in His Word and truth. Let us pray for the Holy Spirit to guide us even in the things that we do not understand, let us trust in Him to lead us through the exams, and let us listen to His voice so that we may know what God wants us to write about.
Let us pray also for God’s favour to be upon us, that we may have an opportunity to glorify His name.
Lastly, let’s pray for our health – that we will not fall sick in the middle of exams, that we will find extraordinary energy to just keep going, that God will sustain us throughout this period.
Bex says:
today was good, got an interesting word which im still trying to wrap my head around
Bex says:
and its sooooooooo long as well i wish i had a recorder or sth
Nic says:
OOH
Nic says:
what was it?
Bex says:
after getting it was trying to write it down frantically
Bex says:
haha
Bex says:
ah but i have a feeling i missed half of it
Nic says:
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN
Nic says:
that’s the most annoying thing
Bex says:
YEAH
Bex says:
oh well
Nic says:
how was it?
Bex says:
and im a bit annoyed now haha coz i cant find some stuff
Bex says:
ppl need to stop cleaning up the house for me :p
Bex says:
and displacing my stuff
Nic says:
HAHA
Bex says:
haha ok lets see what i can remember
Bex says:
ok it started with “actually u are very excited abt the future [haha], u are really looking forward to the future because u know it will be bright even though u will face a lot of obstacles but God has given u a positive spirit so u will always turn these stumbling blocks into stepping stones
Bex says:
then he went on and on abt how optimistic i am and i was like HA hahaha
Bex says:
and then he said sth abt how ive been brought up in a faith environment so ive always been interested in the supernatural stuff [i didnt really realise that actually!] and how God will reveal things abt the supernatural to me
Bex says:
when i pray at night, alone [haha] or when i read my Bible He will just give me a KNOWING abt certain things…i will just GET certain mysteries of the supernatural realm and what God will reveal to me will be things beyond what my peers or even the spiritual experts can understand [this part is like woaaah are u sure God?]
Nic says:
ooh!!
Bex says:
God has called me to be an intercessor – sometimes when im doing stuff God will just randomly ask me to drop everything and pray, and this has already happened before … and God will just reveal things to me when i obey him..and he is going to start opening my eyes and ears so that i will see and hear things clearer
Bex says:
and this part is HILARIOUS haha but i guess it was God’s way of saying “i really love u and u dont have to be sad that u’re not a certain way, i can still use u because i made u so and u dont have to be afraid that other ppl cant accept u for the way u are” as u said hes really sweet like that
Nic says:
OMGA
Nic says:
RE THE INTERCESSION PART
Bex says:
yeah and so he said u may not be very exuberant or talkative but THAT IS WHY GOD CHOSE U [LOL! I wanted to laugh]. some people just want to talk and talk and talk but God knows that He can reveal things to you because u [i think basically i will not want to keep it for my own benefit]
Bex says:
WHY
Nic says:
THAT’S WHAT’S HE’S DOING WITH ME TOO
Nic says:
it’s like
Bex says:
so he knows he can trust me with secrets
Bex says:
OMGA 
Nic says:
i’d just get started on work, and YES OMGA OMGA OMGA
Bex says:
hahahaha
Nic says:
THE TRUST THING
Nic says:
whoaaaa bex lim
Nic says:
:D
Bex says:
wow yeah
Bex says:
and then he said sometimes u may feel very lonely because u get so excited abt the things God tells u and u have no one to share it with so its all gathered inside of u and burning in ur heart like a fire
Bex says:
[and i think this ties in with what chinh said last time abt how God reveals things to me that ppl dont understand and i shouldnt be discouraged because one day it will cause a revolution in ppl's hearts and it was like whoaaa everything just clicked together]
Bex says:
yeah thats all i can remember for now :S
Bex says:
so cool huh
Nic says:
yeahh!!
Bex says:
and now im looking for this intercession thing that mercy gave me
Bex says:
I CANT FIND IT
Bex says:
haha as in im curious to know
Bex says:
what exactly an intercessor does
Nic says:
oh tell me when you find out too hahah
Bex says:
coz eric was explaining to me the other time that it isnt just abt praying and interceding
Nic says:
God has said that it’s like having a blank piece of paper
Bex says:
but also interceding as in standing for ppl physically
Bex says:
ok
Nic says:
and i’m scripting/calling forth things of His heart to come to pass
Bex says:
oooh
Nic says:
for people/things
Bex says:
wow
Nic says:
i dunno..
Nic says:
yeah
Bex says:
but yeah NOW IM DEF EXCITED ABT THE FUTURE
Bex says:
IT CANT COME FAST ENOUGH
Bex says:
haha
Nic says:
cos i struggled for six months before saying ok God i believe in what prayer can do
Nic says:
I KNOW
Bex says:
wow
Nic says:
at yet it’s so scary
Nic says:
haha
Bex says:
yeah sometimes im still a bit :S abt prayer to be honest
Bex says:
hahaha
Nic says:
cos i mean, why do we have to intercede OVER AND OVER
Bex says:
I KNOOOOOW
Bex says:
and i get so sian when we have to pray over and over for the same thing
Bex says:
LOL
Nic says:
and it’s smth i’m still in the process of finding out
Nic says:
YEAH
Nic says:
like why can’t i pray it once and then know that it’s ok forever
Bex says:
uh-huh
Bex says:
and when do i know when im just being persistent
Nic says:
yeah
Bex says:
and when i start “nagging God” like my mum always says
Bex says:
“dont nag at God”
Bex says:
hahaha
Bex says:
but wow its so cool that we’re in this together also
Nic says:
yeah..
Bex says:
ahhh i wish i remember everything though
Bex says:
it was so so cool
Nic says:
atm i’m learning how to go with God when he says pray for this
Nic says:
so i just intercede when he says?
Bex says:
mmm
Nic says:
i don’t do it like on schedule..
Nic says:
and i still don’t quite get prayer partners
Bex says:
remember i made u buy this dutch sheets book
Bex says:
did u buy it?
Bex says:
I KNOW hahaha abt the prayer partner thing
Nic says:
cos then it’s like (yes!!) forcing?
Nic says:
i dunno la
Nic says:
haha
Nic says:
still learning
Nic says:
cos i don’t like to do things just for the sake of it
Nic says:
cos “it’s good”
Bex says:
though im trying to learn how to intercede? by like asking ppl for prayer requests and all that
Bex says:
UH-HUH
Bex says:
haha we’re just the same when it comes to this :S
Bex says:
our attitude
Bex says:
yeah and i dont like to pray just for the sake of praying
Bex says:
actually this is the third time someone has told me abt this intercessor thing? but never in a really formal way as this one was
Bex says:
and all the time i was like really god? but i dont really like to pray :S
Nic says:
I KNOW I KNOW ME TOO
Bex says:
ahhh hope i find the book ok
Nic says:
‘whyyyyyyy i’m so impatient la God whyyyyyyyy’
Nic says:
hahaha
Bex says:
its the beginner’s guide to intercession
Bex says:
I KNOW ABT THE IMPATIENT PART TOO OMGA
Nic says:
omga by who?
Bex says:
dutch sheets
Bex says:
its really beginners stuff
Nic says:
OMGA
Nic says:
LUKE’S MOTHER
Bex says:
but i think thats really what i want to get at at the moment
Nic says:
JUST PASSED ME THAT BOOK
Nic says:
A WEEK AGO
Bex says:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nic says:
YES
Bex says:
THIS IS AMAZING
Nic says:
SHE SAID SHE FELT LED TO GIVE IT TO ME
Bex says:
omga
Nic says:
do you mean you want to buy it?
Nic says:
why don’t you borrow mine?
Nic says:
haha
Bex says:
u know what we should start keeping our convos
Nic says:
YES WE SHLD
Bex says:
and look back at them 50 years from now
Bex says:
or 10
Bex says:
hahaha
Nic says:
hahaha
Bex says:
and see what God has done/how He has fulfilled them
Bex says:
nono mercy gave me a copy of it
Bex says:
a photocopied version of it
Nic says:
OH
Bex says:
but i never had time to read it? and never really felt the urge to either
Bex says:
but after today i was like OMGA I HAVE TO READ IT AND NOW I CANT FIND IT
Bex says:
only the first chapter
Nic says:
haha if you can’t find it, you can borrow mine
Nic says:
this is really awesome/scary
Nic says:
you know i was just telling mary today, that it’s so hard sometimes having to defend the fact that i’m “not like other 20 year olds” when ‘new’ adults hear it from her or judith, and they look at me and go “yeah right.”
Bex says:
hahaha
Nic says:
and how to explain to people who ask how i’m serving right now
Nic says:
cos i mean, how to explain all this stuff?? and i always feel very alone in ministry, cos i’m pretty much the only 20 year old in a church of 2500 people working with the adults and doing missions things
Nic says:
so yeah, it feels good to know that you’re there too haha
Bex says:
yeah
Bex says:
haha God wasnt kidding when He said He will place like-minded friends to run with me
Bex says:
i mean i thought he was just saying ok like-minded friends to support u and so on
Nic says:
yeah..
Bex says:
but wow like u said the parallelness is so convenient and scary at the same time
Nic says:
yes!
Nic says:
haha
***
Wow God. I don’t even have words for this.
Thanks for going out of Your way to show me how much You love me, and for showing me that I am never truly alone on this journey.
Haha in Nic’s words: “Was just thinking about it the other day – how the more I get to know you the more I drop my jaw at how much God knew we would have needed each other at this phase of our lives. And here I (we?) were thinking uni friendships were gonna be nothing deep ha. And how cool God is to have planned it this way, even before we were any wiser…He’s just so amazing and kind and thoughtful like that “
And Sarah, when I read your comment it was also one of those “Whooaaa God” moments because your blog really helped me get through my first year in uni. And there are some things that I struggle with, that a lot of my friends don’t because they are not in some foreign country and they don’t understand what it means to be Malaysian and wanting to have the best opportunities AND yet knowing that God has placed a burden in your heart FOR Malaysia. So I really appreciate your letting God use your heart and words to reach out to other people as well.
Another word about how sweet God is: Keith was saying, “What do you girls mean when you say you want a MATURE guy?” and my sister said, “Yeah actually no man can be completely mature…” blabla and even when you find the right person it’ll never be perfect, you’ll have doubts and things won’t be easy. But then she started sharing about how my dad was praying for her future marriage with Chinh [apparently EVERYONE seems to be praying for their marriage ] and God told him that He wants this [their marriage] to happen more than they want it to, and so that was really encouraging and important for them to hear because it’s going to be one crazy process, and it’s good to know that it is really what God wants rather than what THEY want.
I was just sharing with some of the girls in youth [I don't know WHY they come and ask me for relationship advice and how to know who's the right one. Seriously? Haha] that I really believe that the person God picks for you is the person with whom you will move in ONE towards God’s special purpose. And it really isn’t about all the things we think love is about – although those do become part of it. But I really think that the right time for us to be in a relationship is when we are CRAZILY INSANELY in love with God and you can come to a point where you tell God, “Even if You don’t ever want me to get married, I would be fine with it because YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE”, so that when God says, “I want you to marry this person” and s/he is the TOTAL opposite of who YOU want to marry, you will not tell God to stop being ridiculous but you will love that person because you know that God brought you together for a bigger purpose than just to “be together”. And your focus will not be so much on that “being together” but how you can grow in God TOGETHER, how you can fulfill God’s will TOGETHER.
Haha I have yet to finish my essay that’s due in 3 hours time but I just want to say GOD YOU ARE AMAZING!
My roomie went to Taiwan for NINE days so I have the whole room to myself and it was just like, “Wow God, only You could’ve had such perfect timing!”
One essay due tomorrow, one on Thursday, one BEFORE the 14th but I want to finish it by this weekend because next week I have THREE papers to sit for, one after the other. And I still don’t understand any of that DNA stuff.
Please pray for me! I’ve been feeling really indifferent towards my courses this semester. And sometimes I just want to not care and do nothing at all, especially since the two essays I have due this week are for courses that I was forced to take and still DON’T GET. Which is not what God would expect of me.
I just want to come out of this with my sanity intact and hopefully, a chance to bring God the glory He deserves.
