I have a serious heart problem

I have a serious heart problem.

It has been bothering me for 2 days now.

I’ve always suspected I had one – I just never knew how bad it was, until I stopped and listened to myself.

And then I saw it clearly through my response to the things my mother asked me to do. It was simple really: Wake up at 7am every day, teach the autistic kid, run upstairs and change the channels every few minutes, blablabla.

My reluctance – my lack of joy – in saying, “Yes ma, I’ll help you and do all these things for you, you go for your holiday” has filled me with so much shame that the Holy Spirit won’t even let me sleep until I write all of these down.

And so, in the privacy of my own room, I examined my heart. And it just…sometimes every part of me wants to scream at God for putting me in this position. I whine about how I’m missing an important meeting for a cause I care deeply about just so I can teach a couple of bratty kids who are sorely in need of some good spanking, not realising of course, that the response God wanted from me was to be filled with gratitude at the opportunity to honour my mother.

I have a serious heart problem. And sometimes, it makes me go back to my past demons. It makes me think, “Why didn’t it occur to me to OFFER to help my mother in the first place so she could go on holiday? Why did I have to wait for my sister to PUSH me into doing the right thing? And all I could think of saying was OH GOD, PLEASE, I’VE HAD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I’VE ENDURED THIS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. PLEASE GOD I DON’T THINK I CAN TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS.”

I have a serious heart problem!

I’ve been trying to figure out what God meant when He said through Mercy that my calling is not just for the intellectuals, but also for those who are not-so-smart [Mercy's words! Haha I wonder what that means too!] because I have a heart for them.

When I first heard it, I was so overwhelmed. At first, I was filled with awe.

“Wow God, You really take my heart’s cries so seriously…and wow God, you were not kidding at all when You said You would give me anything I want if I were to be a fool for You, huh?”

But now, it occurred to me that not only am I failing to be a fool for God, but my INABILITY to be a fool for God is due to the fact that I have a serious heart problem. This heart problem is closely connected, of course, to the issue of pride, which is evident enough even in my response to God’s calling for me. I have wrestled so hard with God over this whole “intellectual” business, insisting ALL THE TIME that I am not good enough for it [and thereby fooling myself into thinking this is about me at all], I don’t even know why God persists in choosing me, except that it says in His Word in Psalm 33:

“…the Word of the Lord is right and true;
He is faithful in all He does (v4)
…But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of His heart through all generations (v11)”

And also:

“For God’s gifts and His calls are irrevocable.” (Romans 11:29)

He will not let my stubbornness prevent Him from fulfilling His promises – not to me – but to His people. To the people to whom He vowed, “If You seek me with all Your heart, You will find me.”

But what’s amazing is that as I was trying to sleep, it really struck me that as much as I’d like to think I have a heart for people [okay actually, confession time: When God said that, I was like, "WHAAAAT? Are you serious God? Are you sure you're not giving me someone else's message?"], I DON’T. In fact, if I am honest with myself, I don’t have a heart for anyone or anything in this world at all, except myself occasionally. And even then, I’m not even sure if I do have a heart for myself because I don’t really care about a lot of things in my own life, and only seem good at destroying it.

THAT’s how serious my heart problem is.

Why then would God tell me I have a heart for the non-intellectuals?

I think the moment I realised just how deep my heart problem was, was also the moment that I received the answer to some of the questions I’ve been asking God for 10 years. Namely, “GOD WHY MUST I DO THIS?”

It takes me back to all the nights I’ve locked myself in my room and cried my eyes out because I was SO SURE that I would get a heart attack while teaching and just drop dead and I would’ve done nothing in my life that had made me happy. The times when I felt hopeless and was angry with myself because I thought the kids were hopeless and I was sick of repeating myself ten million times just to get them to write INSIDE the line for ONE time. Those were times when I never wanted to wake up because every day was a misery for me.

But you know what? For the longest time, I couldn’t make the connection between teaching and my future. But now I see that all along, God had been preparing me to HAVE A HEART for these people, because He has a heart for them. He had been breaking my heart just so I would know exactly how WE break His heart every single day. All these time, for 10 YEARS [and I still don't get it], He was slowly teaching me how hard it was to reach out and connect with these people, while also showing me that patience DOES bear fruit, thus justifying His faith and love for us. He was teaching me what it meant to be filled with compassion for people who are undeserving of our love – the way He does.

You know, when I read a post my friend Sarah [who is the most beautiful person I've ever had the opportunity to know. Sarah, everything about you is so beautiful, I want you to know that! There is such a simple and understated grace to the things you do. And I think you are the only person in the world who could ever convince me that I need to be more ladylike or make me regret that I never wanted to pick up any skills] wrote about the prodigal son, I went back to read it in my Bible. There was this part in the scripture that just made my heart STOP. It said,

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” (v20)

His father ran to welcome him because he was FILLED WITH COMPASSION for him.

My own father often preaches off this passage, and I’ll just copy and paste what I wrote in response to Sarah’s post:

“The prodigal son is one of my dad’s favourite stories to preach from. He always says that according to Jewish law, anyone would’ve been free to stone the prodigal son, and that is part of the reason why the brother gets so angry about it. But what’s more important, is HOW the father tries to protect his son. My dad would say that when the scriptures say in verse 20 that “his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him”, he probably acted like he was in a rugby game and completely covered his son’s body with his to shield him from being stoned. And that is in some ways a foreshadowing of what Jesus did on the cross. God loves us so much that He did not just stop at forgiving our sins, but He was willing to put Himself in our position and suffer for our sins.

I’ve never noticed this before, but the words “had compassion on him” really stand out to me now, because it is often used to describe Jesus’s attitude towards the people who come to Him for help. I shall think on it further. “

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO BE SAID ABOUT THAT ONE SENTENCE ALONE BUT WOW, HE WAS FILLED WITH COMPASSION FOR HIM. He didn’t just HAVE compassion for him, but he was FILLED with it, like overbrimming, I cannot contain this anymore FILLED.

And really, the first thing that occurred to me was that every time before Jesus performed a miracle, it says that He was FILLED with compassion for whoever it was who was before Him.

And you know, it made me realise that the reason why God had to put me through all that teaching and heartache and frustrations, was so that I would could be emptied of all my self-righteousness and pride and BE FILLED WITH COMPASSION for all His prodigal sons and daughters out there. It is only when we are filled with compassion, I think, that we can do real work for God, because it overflows from Him and He doesn’t ask us to use our own resources to reach out to people, but He only gives us what He Himself has so that we will do a work that glorifies Him.

That brings me back to my heart problem.

If I have a heart problem, how CAN I be filled with compassion for people? I was wondering, “Is this why God keeps saying ‘wait’ when it comes to my calling?” and then I realised that the only reason why I have this question is because of my heart problem. The question God should be asking ME back, and which He has, is, no, not “Are you ready for what I’m calling you to do?” but “HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT THIS?”

Is my heart ready to be filled with compassion? I don’t think so. If it were, I think I would be DESPERATE for what God wants. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell the whole world that really, I don’t care for careers. Stop asking me what I’m planning to be after I graduate. I long to be a missionary! [I keep telling myself I don't tell this to everyone because God hasn't confirmed it but really, it is because I don't want it enough. I have not reached the point where I know what God's heart is for me. I have not been searching for His enough. And also because I don't know how to explain it to people and so I'd rather not say anything at all than to have to explain it to them. And the honest honest truth? I don't know if I can love people yet] At the moment, I still live apathetically. And that’s why I think God says, “Well, let’s wait and do some more heart surgery on you.”

It’s really funny how God gives you something, says, “I have given you/I have made you…” and then all of a sudden, it becomes part of your identity. I mean God Himself starts to DEFINE you that way and all of a sudden it is YOUR gift/talent, YOUR heart. Honestly, that is really terrifying for someone as heartless as I am. At what point do I start fooling myself into believing I’ve earned this on my own accord and then let pride and all those ugly things seep into everything I do? At what point do I start to dissociate my desires from the One who plants these desires in my heart?

I really don’t know, but I am grateful that every time I try to step over the line, God never hesitates to expose me. It’s like He just SHOVES this magnified image of your heart into your face and says, “I tell you the truth, this is HOW UGLY your heart is, and it will continue to be so if you do not let Me step in and stop you right now. It will continue to be so if you do not let Me purify you with fire.”

This leads me to something else that has also been bothering me. At my birthday party, Elysia made a very very nice speech about me! And the part of her speech that bothers me is when she says something along the lines of, “Even though Becky doesn’t say much, I know that when she does say something she means every single word she says, and I really appreciate her authenticity.” Thank you Elysia for always trying to see people through God’s eyes, and also for being so sharp no one can ever hide anything from you.

At first I was pretty wow-ed by it and thought, “Oh God, I thank You that You help people to see the things they cannot perceive naturally. And for letting someone speak words of life into me.” But it really goes much deeper than that.

Just recently, I was re-reading some of my Friendster testimonials and some things people have written for me. And my goodness, I was shocked by the amount of times the word “blunt” appeared. And I noticed that a lot of people would say something like, “Becky is really blunt, she tells it as it is, but you know she speaks from her heart” or about how genuine they think I am – and I was genuinely surprised by that.

But, of course, with God, He never lets you get comfortable with just the nice things people say about you and so YOU KNOW WHAT, it made me think, “So what if I’m authentic/genuine if my heart is so rotten?” And even more importantly, if my heart is so rotten, what is this authenticity that people are seeing in me?

As I said, this brought up a lot of ghosts from the past, and it … there were a lot of things I have done in the past that have really hurt other people all because I wanted to be “genuine” and honest. I apologised to all of them the moment God convicted me of it but wow, I seriously, seriously have a serious heart problem, don’t I?

But I know that this is something only God can fix. And that even though I have been, and still am, a terrible person, God can restore all things.

One thing I’ve never understood is why God would say He made me wise when I’ve done so many stupid things in my life. But I believe that He only says so because all my mistakes and the severe condition of my heart have continually brought me back to the cross where I have learnt that God’s grace and the fear of the Lord are inseparable. And the fear of the Lord leads to wisdom, life and SO MUCH MORE.

And I think, looking back on my 21 years on this earth, I have been through SO much. The only thing that has kept me going is the grace of God that is always readily available every time I feel so disgusted with myself for the choices I make in life, or the things I say to people, or for not living the way God wants me to.

It is only now that I understand what my dad says about the grace of God. Again, I’ll have to quote from something I wrote to Nic:

“The first time grace is mentioned in the bible is in Gen 6:8 [I think]
in relation to Noah. It says that Noah found grace in the eyes [in
some versions it is known as favor - I guess it is useful to think of
grace as a form of favour of God] It is not just a gift that God gives
to us out of His compassion, [which is the more common interpretation
of it] but I think in the OT when it is mentioned that someone has
found grace in the eyes of God, it is normally also followed by a
verse that says something about how God watched over everything that
person did. And so, grace on our part, is the consciousness that we
are living our lives in the presence of God, it is what drives us to
abide by the Word of God. And it is also the knowledge that the Word
of God is a word of change, of future happenings and possibilities.
Grace is an enablement to change, to become who God made us to be.”

God has been speaking to me for many years now about how HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME. I’ve never really known EXACTLY what God meant, because sometimes He reveals it in parts and only after I’ve been through something crazy, but there is one thing that I know it is not. It is not a call to be content with the state of my heart. In fact, I think that verse CALLS ATTENTION to the state of my heart and gently urges me to remember that my cause of existence is not to live for myself.

I only have two purposes in life: to know Him and to make Him known.

And so for Lent this year, I’ve decided to give up on a couple of things that I know interferes with my communion with God and the work God is trying to do with my heart:

1. The internet! More specifically, facebook, MSN, blogs, “tv”, whatever it is that makes me waste a lot of time doing nothing. Instead, I want to spend more time trying to get myself into the discipline of journalling and having intimate conversations with God.

2. Sleep! I am going to make myself wake up at 8am every morning and spend at least one hour on my quiet time. I also hope that this is only the start of getting myself to wake up at 8am every day, and not just for this particular time period. I want to increase my time of prayer and intercession. In other words, learning to pray for other people and for my own country.

I thought of giving up on junk food, but I haven’t been having a lot of that, so yeah.

Of course, there are also things that I really NEED to get into:

1. I need to read the Bible a LOT MORE and probably start memorising scriptures to get myself anchored in the Word of God.

2. This semester I don’t want to make the mistake of attempting to write good essays on my own. Instead, since the things that I’m giving up should give me quite a bit of free time, I want to spend more time asking God what He wants me to write about in my essays, and to pray for His guidance and wisdom in writing them. I want to forget about competition, grades and whatever it is, but to remember that it is God who makes the difference. And most importantly, IN THE LONG RUN, in 2 months’ time, it wouldn’t matter at all whether I get an A or a C.

3. I want to learn to see things through God’s eyes, and I think that involves not just feeling weighed down by or harbouring righteous anger over the burdens of my heart, but also LEARNING to balance this with joy and praise and thanksgiving, knowing that my God is sovereign over all things and all circumstances. And that there is a time for me to act, and a time for me to shut up and wait on God.

4. I think I speak for my co-organisers [or the other members of my committee?] when I say that we REALLY need God’s guidance for this event that we’re organising in May. I really want to spend more time finding out what God’s vision for Malaysia REALLY is, because I want this event to be one where people WILL find God and where God will speak to them in a very real way. And I think all of us also need to know the direction that God wants to bring us in, and what HE wants to achieve through this event, not what WE want or what we think God wants. I mean, I don’t want everything to be perfect and then to realise that we forgot to ask God to be a part of it!

5. Lastly, I want to remember to be content in God. Giving up things will help me see that “Man cannot live on bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God”, among other things. I want to remember that God is enough for me.

Great Reminder

“One thing I enjoy about class discussion is being able to share. And when we step into areas such as ethics, morality… even concepts like love, I’m really excited to see Christians step up to share their two cents worth. I think in the exchange, somehow, the ability to express our thoughts without being or sounding legalistic is a skill picked up in the process. This is so important when we think about influencing people in our midst!”

Makes me feel ashamed of myself for being lazy/reluctant to participate in class discussions!

***

From Anne Jackson:

“You know words are filled with truth when, as you read them, you have no control over the resulting tears that flow.”

Dare we not desire? Part 2

“Good News That’s Not Really

Things appear to have come full circle. The promise of life and the invitation to desire have again been lost beneath a pile of religious teachings that put the focus on knowledge and performance:

History has brought us to the point where the Christian message is thought to be essentially concerned only with how to deal with sin: with wrongdoing or wrong-being and its effects. Life, our actual existence, is not included in what is now presented as the heart of the Christian message, or it is included only marginally. (The Divine Conspiracy)

Thus Willard describes the Gospels we have today as “gospels of sin management.” Sin is the bottom line, and we have the cure. Typically, it is a system of knowledge or performance, or a mixture of both. Those in the knowledge camp put the emphasis on getting our doctrine in line. Right belief is seen as the means to life. Desire is irrelevant; content is what matters. But notice this – the Pharisees knew more about the Bible than most of us ever will, and it hardened their hearts. Knowledge just isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If you are familiar with the biblical narrative, you will remember that there were two special trees in Eden – the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and the Tree of Life. We got the wrong tree. We got knowledge, and it hasn’t done us much good. T. S. Eliot lamented,

Endless invention, endless experiment,

Brings knowledge of motion, but not of stillness,

Knowledge of speech, but not of silence;

Knowledge of words, and ignorance of the Word.

Where is the Life we have lost in living?

Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?

(“Choruses from the Rock”)

Christianity is often presented as essentially the transfer of a body of knowledge. We learn about where the Philistines were from, and how much a drachma would be worth today, and all sorts of things about the original Greek. The information presented could not seem more irrelevant to our deepest desires.

Then there are the systems aimed at getting our behaviour in line, one way or another. Regardless of where you go to church, there is nearly always an unspoken list of what you shouldn’t do (tailored to your denomination and culture, but typically rather long), and a list of what you may do (usually much shorter – mostly religious activity that seems totally unrelated to our deepest desires and leaves us only exhausted).

And this, we are told, is the good news. Know the right thing; do the right thing. This is life? When it doesn’t strike us as something to get excited about, we feel we must not be spiritual enough. Perhaps once we have kept the list long enough, we will understand.

We don’t need more facts, and we certainly don’t need more things to do. We need Life, and we’ve been looking for it ever since we lost Paradise. Jesus appeals to our desire because He came to speak to it. When we abandon desire, we no longer hear or understand what He is saying. But we have returned to the message of the synagogue, we are preaching the law. And desire is the enemy. After all, desire is the single major hindrance to the goal – getting us in line. We are told to kill desire and call it sanctification. Or as Jesus put it to the Pharisees, “You load people down with rules and regulations, nearly breaking their backs but never lift even a finger to help” (Luke 11:46 The Message). As a result, Willard says, “The souls of human beings are left to shrivel and die on the plains of life because they are not introduced into the environment for which they were made.”

“I began to seriously question my faith,” wrote a friend, “when I was suffering my second year of depression. People in church saw my depressed face, and they complimented me on how I was such a good Christian [I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!!].” I am not making this up. This poor fellow was actually cheered for doing well spiritually when it was apparent his soul was dying. “I thought the best way for a person to live is to keep his desires to a minimum so that he will be prepared to serve God.” Isn’t that the message? It may be explicit (what we truly believe rarely is), but it’s clear enough, Get rid of desire, and get with the program.

Compare the shriveled life held up as a model of Christian maturity with the life revealed in the book of Psalms:

You have made known to me the path of life;

You will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

(16:11 NIV)

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God,

When can I go and meet with God?

(42:1-2 NIV)

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

My soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land,

where there is no water.

(63:1 NIV)

Ask yourself, could this person be promoted to a position of leadership in my church? Heavens, no. He is far too unstable, too passionate, too desirous. It’s all about pleasure and desire and thirst. And David, who wrote most of the psalms, was called by God a “man after his own heart” (1 Sam 13:14 NIV).

Christianity has nothing to say to the person who is completely happy with the way things are. Its message is for those who hunger and thirst – for those who desire life as it was meant to be. Why does Jesus appeal to desire? Because it is essential to his goal: bringing us life. He heals the fellow at the pool of Bethesda, by the way. The two blind men get their sight, and the woman at the well finds the love she has been seeking. Reflecting on these events, the apostle John looked at what Jesus offered and what he delivered and said, “He who has the Son has life” (1 John 5:12 NIV).”

- Desire, John Eldredge

Disclaimer: I think knowledge of the Word is very very important, but it is a desireless pursuit of knowledge that makes it useless and leads to legalism, empty religiosity and worst of all, self-righteousness.

Dare we not desire? Part 1

“An Invitation to Desire

This may come as a surprise to you. Christianity is not an invitation to become a moral person. It is not a program for getting us in line or for reforming society. It has a powerful effect upon our lives, but when transformation comes, it is always the aftereffect of something else [or I would say, someONE], something at the level of our hearts. At its core, Christianity begins with an invitation to desire. Look again at the way Jesus relates to people. As he did with the fellow at the Sheep Gate, he is continually taking them into their hearts, to their deepest desires.

The story of the two blind men on the road to Jericho repeats the theme. Jesus is passing by the spot where these two men have sat looking for a handout for who knows how long. They learn that Jesus is going by, and they cry out for him. Though the crowd tries to shut them up, they succeed in shouting over the ruckus and capturing the Master’s attention. The parade stops. Jesus steps to the side of the road, and standing there before him are two men, nothing clearer than the fact that they are blind. “What do you want me to do for you?” Again the question. Again the obvious that must not be so obvious after all.

Then there is the Samaritan woman whom Jesus meets at the well. She has come alone in the heat of the day to draw water, and they both know why. By coming when the sun is high, she is less likely to run into anyone. You see, her sexual lifestyle has earned her a “reputation”. Back in those days, having one partner after another wasn’t looked so highly upon. She’s on her sixth lover,  and so she’d rather bear the scorching rays of the sun than face the searing words of the “decent” women of the town who come at the evening to draw water. She succeeds at avoiding the women, but runs into God instead. What does he choose to talk to her about – her immorality? No, he speaks to her about her thirst: “If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water” (John 4:10, The Message). Remarkable. He doesn’t give a little sermon about purity, he doesn’t even mention it, except to say he knows what her life has been like… In other words, now that we both know it, let’s talk about your heart’s real thirst, since the life you’ve chosen obviously isn’t working. “The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life” (John 4:14, The Message).

Later in the gospel of John, Jesus extends the offer to anyone who realizes that his life just isn’t touching his deep desire: “If you are thirsty, come to me! If you believe in me, come and drink! For the Scriptures declare that rivers of living water will flow out from within” (John 7:37-38 NLT). His message wasn’t something new, but it confounded the religious leaders of the day. Surely, those scripturally learned Jews must have recalled God’s long-standing invitation to them, spoken seven hundred years earlier through the prophet Isaiah? [Isaiah 55:1-2, NIV]

Somehow, the message had gotten lost by the time Jesus showed up on the scene. The Jews of His day were practising a very soul-killing spirituality, a lifeless religion of duty and obligation. They had abandoned desire and replaced it with knowledge and performance as the key to life. The synagogue was the place to go to learn how to get on with the program. Desire was out of the question; duty was the path that people must walk. No wonder they feared Jesus. He came along and started appealing to desire.

To the weary, Jesus speaks of rest. To the lost, He speaks of finding your way. Again and again and again, Jesus takes people back to their desires: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” (Matt 7:7 NIV). These are outrageous words, provocative words. Ask, seek, knock – these words invite and arouse desire. What is it that you want? They fall on deaf ears if there is nothing you want, nothing you’re looking for, nothing you’re hungry enough to bang on a door over.

Jesus provokes desire; he awakens it; he heightens it. The religious watchdogs accuse him of heresy. He says, “Not at all, this is the invitation God has been sending all along.” He continues,

You have your heads in your Bibles constantly because you think you’ll find eternal life there. But you miss the forest for the trees. Those Scriptures are all about me! And here I am, standing right before you, and you aren’t willing to receive from me the life you say you want. (John 5:39-40, The Message)”

- Desire, John Eldredge

“The Least of These”

At first, all I saw was a frail old woman too dirty to touch. But those feelings soon changed.

“There’s no way you can properly prepare for Calcutta. Even the billboard on the highway going into the city makes you wonder what you’ve gotten yourself into. It says, “Welcome to Calcutta—a City of Filth, Hunger, Warmth, Smiles and Joy!”

I thought I was ready when I left for India. I was a college student traveling with a group of volunteers as part of a $12 million airlift organized by Heart to Heart International, a Christian ministry founded by my dad.

But when we got to Calcutta, I was immediately overwhelmed. I felt a sense of hopelessness as I looked at the skin-and-bones children, the human waste in the streets, the flies, the women sitting in front of mounds of animal waste, making patties with their bare hands and baking them over open fires to sell as fuel. And the sights were nothing compared to the smell of the city—a mixture of death, feces and rotten food.

During our time in Calcutta, we talked with people on the streets and visited orphanages and hospitals. But my most meaningful experience happened at a place called the Home for Dying Destitutes—a place for dying people who have nowhere else to go.

One of the workers in the Home suggested that I help feed the lady in cot 17—a lady who was too weak to feed herself. She weighed about 70 pounds, had three teeth and paper-thin skin. The diaper she wore needed changing and she babbled constantly in a language I couldn’t understand. I would like to tell you that my first thought was, Of course I’ll help her—she’s one of God’s children just like I am. But it wasn’t. My first response was that this work was too far below me, too gross. But there was a sign on the wall that said, “Do small things with great love.” It seemed to say to me, “It’s not what you do, or how much you do; what matters is the love you put in the doing.”

So I went to the woman in cot 17 and fed her small bites of rice, curry and fish. She ate a little, but what she wanted most was for me to sit so close to her that we were touching, as if she craved the touch of another human being more than she craved even food. The longer I looked at her, the more I realized this wasn’t just a meal that was happening. Finally, as I held a cup of water to her lips, she pointed at her heart, then pointed at me.

In that very moment I experienced a whole new kind of love, the kind I think God must feel for us. I knew I would do anything for this woman. I said, “I love you” to her and as soon as I did, tears came pouring out of my eyes. When the words left my mouth, I felt that I experienced God’s love for me, too. I have done nothing to deserve his love, and yet it overwhelms me. As he showed in the life of Jesus, God has said “I will do anything for you.”

I left the Home thinking, God chooses to come at the weirdest moments. Later I realized that it wasn’t such a weird moment. It was the Thursday before Easter—the night Jesus washed his disciples’ feet.

A few weeks later, when I got back to my comfortable room in my comfortable house in Kansas, I realized my experience in Calcutta wasn’t one of those emotional highs that goes away after a few weeks. The lady in cot 17—I never did get her name—is like an anchor in my mind. Experiencing God’s love through her has changed the way I work as a resident assistant in my college dormitory. Sometimes, as I am dealing with a situation in the dorm and I really want to be doing something else, I realize that in those moments, the girls in my dorm are the “least of these” Jesus talks about in Matthew 25:40. I need to treat them the way I would treat Jesus if he were right in front of me. My experience in Calcutta sits at the front of my brain and affects virtually every decision I make.

Going to Calcutta showed me that my whole life boils down to Jesus’ words, “Love one another.” We are on this earth to show God’s love. And we don’t have to go to Calcutta to do it. As the sign in the Home for the Dying Destitutes showed me, it’s not how much you do, it’s how much love you put into what you do.”

- by Amy Morsch as told to Dean Nelson

This article serves as such a good reminder that the love that WE are obsessed with all the time, is really meaningless. What does it mean to love someone? What does love mean when the love that we understand often involves more selfishness and self-absorption than any of the “real” qualities of love?

To understand that, we can only go back to the One who IS Love.

I truly believe that a lot of times, if not ALL the time, the attention that we seek from each other, the “love” that we demand of each other, is only an expression of a longing to be filled with God’s love. But we always search for it in the wrong places, from the wrong people.

It just makes me wonder: sometimes loving the way God does isn’t easy. There is a delicate balance between loving the right way and loving people the way they DESIRE to be loved. Most of us have our feet rooted so firmly in the latter that I think we have forgotten how to love the way Jesus loves.

And truly, I think that is one of the saddest things in the world. We tolerate and give in to each other so much we no longer understand what it really MEANS to love others or what it means to love at all. The more I listen to relativist arguments, the angrier I get. Because we often don’t realise that our “act of love” is the most selfish thing we could be doing for someone.