Wow.

Just read this from Jasmine’s blog. She’s taking Medieval Lit this semester and really, this makes me think that anything modern writers can come up with is rubbish compared to the purity of this:

“1835   O yonge fresshe folkes, he or she,
In which that love up groweth with your age,
Repeyreth hoom from worldly vanitee,
And of your herte up-casteth the visage
To thilke god that after his image
1840   Yow made, and thinketh al nis but a fayre
This world, that passeth sone as floures fayre.

And loveth him, the which that right for love
Upon a cros, our soules for to beye,
First starf, and roos, and sit in hevene a-bove;
1845   For he nil falsen no wight, dar I seye,
That wol his herte al hoolly on him leye.
And sin he best to love is, and most meke,
What nedeth feyned loves for to seke?

In short:

O young joyous people, youths and maidens, in whom love ever grows up with your age, get yourself home from worldly vanity. Cast up the eyes of your heart to that God that made you in His image, and think that all this world is but a temporary amusement and passes as soon as the sweet flowers. And love Him who for pure love, to redeem our souls, first died upon the cross, and then rose again, and now sits on high in heaven. He will fail no creature (of that be sure) who will set his heart wholly on Him. And since He is most gentle and best to love, what need to seek feigned loves?”

- Chaucer, “Troilus and Criseyde”

I need to take that module! But only if my favourite professor teaches it. HAHA. Sometimes I think he is also my favourite professor because his work deals with the kind of texts that were inspired and shaped by the Bible. [Even the literary criticism one, surprisingly!!!] And I will never forget how he showed me that Literature started from the Bible anyways, and the IMPORTANCE of restoring Literature to its original state.

Oh God, truly you ARE the best poet. Even people like me who don’t understand poems can appreciate that.

Soles For Souls

I really don’t care about shoes.

In fact, I LOVE walking around barefoot. It’s just one of those strange things that make me almost completely barbaric.

As a little girl, I always relied on my daddy to get them for me. My parents would spend days convincing me that I needed shoes, drag me to the shops and then pick the perfect one for me.

Actually, even now, my mum is always going, “You need shoes.” And I say, “Oh no, I have two perfectly good pairs, that’s all I need” even if parts of it are torn or whatever, I’d always have my methods of making them last. Anything to avoid the tedious process of shopping for a new pair. The last time my mum forced me to get shoes, she said “We are not leaving this place until you find something.” And she was not KIDDING.

It so happened that for every place that we went to, the SMALLEST size was always at least one size bigger than my size so it did literally take the WHOLE day for me to find something.

And so for me, shoes are more than just something that I wear. They symbolize other bigger, more important things in life: my parent’s love for me.

Despite my vehement protests, I always discovered that I did need shoes, and I was always grateful for my mother’s foresight.

Sometimes when I look at my shoes, all I think about is: This is how much my daddy loves me, he knows exactly what I like, he knows exactly what my feet look like, how small they are, how narrow they are, everything. Isn’t that awesome?

I remember the process that my parents willing went through with me, the time they invested in my life, just so I’d have a pair of shoes. I remember that they had enough self-control to not yell at me because I never liked anything I saw. I remember their joy when I finally picked one [sometimes I would just force myself to pick the one I disliked LEAST hahaha just so I could go home and sleep, but THEIR joy was real] and how they would pay any amount [within reason] to ensure that I lacked of nothing in life.

And it just astounds me, and breaks my heart, to know that 300 million people have never had a pair of shoes. They have never had the opportunity to walk into a shoe store, to have their daddys put a pair of shoes on their feet, they have never known what it means to walk in comfort, to protect their feet from dirt. They have never known that it is possible to make your feet look better with a nice pair of shoes, or understood what it means to have different pairs of shoes for different occasions. They don’t even know what a shoe closet looks like, or the names of different types of shoes.

As someone who is too fond of walking around barefoot, I think I share a certain affinity with these people. But I’ve also had many “accidents” that could have been avoided had I had a pair of shoes on me.

And I know, because I’ve experienced it, that shoes are more than just material things that protect our feet. They can mean love to someone who has never gotten a gift before, they can represent opportunity to those who have never had one before, they can inspire hope in those who have never had anything to hope for.

I believe that God’s love stands for all those things. And I also believe that any one of us who has experienced God’s love cannot help but be awed by it, cannot help but be grateful for it. So here’s a chance for us to BE God’s love, to bring and show it to 50000 other kids who need God.

You can find all the information about this charity challenge from the website. All you need to do is part with US$5, which will cover TWO pair of shoes and that will change TWO people’s lives. Even a Mac meal costs more these days!

You Have Turned My Mourning into Dancing

1. I fell ridiculously sick right after I handed in my essay. I guess my body tried to warn me by making me sleep 5 extra hours, but it was good. I really thank God that He preserved me until I had the opportunity to get some rest. HAHAHA also decided this could partly be BALASAN [retribution] for laughing at Dee’s traumatised tongue because after that I realised I couldn’t taste either. And I was saying, “Dee why you got so many problems one ah?” when she was coming up with all her excuses as to why she COULDN’T buy any stamps and she thought I was referring to her health problems and then lo and behold, I also had an eye infection in addition to my headache, very sore lelangit [I don't know the word for this in English], sore throat and flu!

2. God’s timing really IS GAH-mazing. For some reason my roomie NEVER came home the night before my paper was due.

3. Another GAH-mazing moment I had: I was stressing about the content for this month’s newsletter – the impossibility of finding any FUN youth-y stuff, the impossibility of knowing what kids who are the total opposite of me would enjoy, the impossibility of FINDING ENOUGH TIME FOR EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD – and then Pastor Rachel told me that we were not going to have one for this month because Sarah is still in China. I REALLY THANK GOD FOR THAT or I would’ve been sicker than I was trying to rush it out.

4. And then of course my parents came at the right time and I had good food. My daddy cooked for me TWICE. [Pig stomach soup and bak kut teh - now I'm dreaming of the one with cili padi! He also made his own version of peanut butter cups with my sis while I was suffering through a SIX hour group meeting] I am soooo soooo blessed. My mummy made me take ten million “pills” that aren’t really pills. They’re “herbs” apparently. Elysia also forced me to take this VERY bitter pill that I accidentally choked on in the middle of the sermon.

5. My sis and I woke up EXTREMELY late on Sunday but because our parents were here, we didn’t have to take a taxi! So yay! Although I am sick of the travelling, it really is ridiculous and [financially] unhealthy for us to be cabbing all the time.

6. My dad told me that my “pet student”, this autistic boy, got 100% for his Maths and the school gave him a special award. I am so amazed, his Maths is better than mine. Hahaha I miss him! Life is so simple with him.

7. HAHA MY mum said that my dad bought a rug especially for catcat so that she will never leave the kitchen and start catching rats. I really miss home, but I am satisfied that I had a bit of “home” for 3 and a half days to sustain me through this difficult period. [Difficult only because it is impossible to motivate myself to study when all I can think about is the NASI LEMAK AND BLACK HOKKIEN MEE BACK HOME (and how Mei is going for suppers all the time, without me). OMGA GOOD FOOD HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!]

8. Mummy reminded me that I can come home in two weeks’ time! Actually, it’s 3 for me. I miss Mei and my dogs and my catcat and my bed and my ROOM. And just – I am grateful that I have all these things and people in my life.

9. Lord I am SO looking forward to lots of TVB dramas and lots more time ALONE in my room just getting away from the world and seeking Your face.

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me…
To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

Just coz he puts it better

Haha Nic, some of what we discussed today in Tozerised form:

“This is one of the marks of our modern time – that many are guilty of merely “nibbling” at the truth of the Christian gospel.

I wonder if you realise that in many ways the preaching of the Word of God is being pulled down to the level of the ignorant and spiritually obtuse; that we must tell stories and jokes and entertain and amuse in order to have a few people in the audience? We do these things so that we may have some reputation and that there may be money in the treasury to meet the church bills.

I believe in being honest about it – let’s admit that we have to pull down the application of the gospel not to the standard of the one who is really thirsting after God, but to the one who is the most carnal, the cheapest saintling hanging on by the teeth anywhere in the kingdom of God!

In many churches Christianity has been watered down until the solution is so weak that if it were poison it would not hurt anyone, and if it were medicine it would not cure anyone!“

- “Always Slamming on the Brakes”

Dear God, let us never ever ever compromise the Gospel. Even when the whole world around us starts to get totally liberal and starts forgetting the whole PURPOSE of Christianity or straying from Your truth, let us always stand firm in the truth and be willing to defend and live it.

Help us to see the things we cannot see, that we may know what is Your perfect will in all things. Help us to trust and believe and do whatever You ask us to even in times when we cannot see or understand.

***

Dear God, also if there is anything we can do to stop this world from getting worse than it is, please make us do it. If You want us to wake up at 4am every morning and intercede, let us do it. If You want us to boldly enter into unknown territories and bring Your love to others, let us do it. If You want to kick us out of our comfort zones and make us do radical things for You, let us do it. There is nothing You want us to do that we cannot do. So let us be sensitive to every beat of Your heart, let us hurt for the things that hurt You, let us love for the reasons You love.

We’re getting closer and closer to the end times. And it scares me so much because I can see how the world in its present state, and the kind of things we believe in, the decisions we’re making, can so easily lead to the hard-heartedness we see in Revelations. The blatant rejection of God’s hope and grace and mercy. Very soon 90% of the world will make themselves their own God, some even in the disbelief that they are still worshipping God.

***

Reading this makes me sad too, because God’s truth is never comfortable nor convenient, it is only we who make it so. And in doing so, we slowly lose that reverence for God. We never understand what it means to fear the Lord, and so we never enter into the fullness of His knowledge. And when that happens we fail to understand the things of the world, we fail to see what He is trying to do, and so we fall away, because it is easy and convenient and comfortable to just ignore God:

“Many Christians now live in an environment where there are not only multiple faith communities around them, but faith communities spilling over into other faith communities, and worldviews embracing strands and fragments of other worldviews. In every society there are multiple, viable options for religious preference, and every hybrid option in between. Like a cafeteria of religious and non-religious choices, the consumer is able to choose based on appetite, comfort, or convenience.

For Christians whose beliefs are rooted more in conviction than comfort, it is easy to feel that we must inherently be cultural naysayers, gypsies who wander through this world unattached and hopefully unaffected. Where I live in Atlanta, I can see the effects of postmodern and pluralistic philosophies in the daily life of an international city where traditional southern values coexist with the voices of secularism, atheism, and every minor and major religion. At times it is admittedly overwhelming, and I am tempted to embrace the myth that faith is something for the private sectors of life. But then something like the Lord’s Supper, a reminder of my baptism, or a glimpse of the glory of God in the face of the church reminds me that God’s reign is here and now, real and present, radical and unafraid.

Like the apostle Paul within first century Rome, I do not believe that all is lost in the fog of a thousand religions. As Paul discovered among the people of Athens, our cultural context presents both risk and opportunity. We may live with a foreign worldview, but we do indeed live in this world. Part of proclaiming the reign of God among us involves learning to see this hope, learning to see that praying “God’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven” means being that hope of opportunity. Naysaying Christians who would prefer to be salt kept in privatized bottles on isolated shelves must be reminded that the reign of God we proclaim calls for radical commitment to our identity (we are salt) and sacrificial immersion (salt must be dispersed in order to season). Our communion as sinners who know God’s power is, for the world, the real presence of God’s reign today. In the words of Lesslie Newbigin:

The church represents the presence of the reign of God in the life of the world, not in the triumphalist sense (as the “successful” cause) and not in the moralistic sense (as the “righteous” cause), but in the sense that it is the place where the mystery of the kingdom present in the dying and rising of Jesus is made present here and now so that all people, righteous and unrighteous, are enabled to taste and share the love of God before whom all are unrighteous and all are accepted as righteous.(1)

The world in which we find ourselves is full of fog and fallacies, but so it is full of the unfailing love of God. In a world where countless ideologies vie for our allegiances, the biblical narrative invites us into an understanding of human history where we encounter the one whose authority is ultimate and presence is real. Our mission is thus to tell the old, old story, to live within this story and the kingdom it proclaims, and to invite others into the narrative that is continually moving us from the particular to the universal, from Jerusalem to the ends of the earth. As Christians aware of God’s reign among us, we must not fear the historical accident that shaped the moods both in and around us, but we can live as visionaries of God’s grace, harbingers of hope, and catalysts for transformation. For we testify to the radical work of the Cross in Jerusalem and in our hearts, and to the uniqueness of Jesus Christ who, unlike any other, exchanges guilt for grace, ashes for beauty, and sorrow for joy, yesterday, today, and forever.“

- Jill Carattini

Your Word Never Fails

Okay Ying, I am now feeling that emptiness that you described.

I have been asking God, “What is up with me this semester?”

The answer is simple: this semester I’ve tried too hard to do things by myself.

In the past two semesters, when I just kept getting B+ after B+ after B+, I would pray and read the Bible for hours before I started on my essays, even if I had no time to finish them. I would say, “God PLEASE show me what you want me to write about.”

But I really think that getting on the Dean’s list is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It makes me think that I can do a lot better, because I’ve gotten those A’s before, and so I put so much pressure on myself that I forgot it was only God who helped me get those A’s in the first place. I forgot how I surrendered everything to God and had no time for self-pity or anxiety. And i forgot, I forgot to seek God. I give Him 5 minutes, and then I plod along on my own. Reading Judges makes me think I am one of those stiff-necked people undeserving of God’s grace. I think I really needed some less than perfect grades to open my eyes, to help me see that what I’m doing is meaningless, because I’m the kind of person who needs people to tell me I am an utter failure, a completely useless human being in order to become successful.

I’ve never tried harder to put in effort in my work – and I’ve never failed more resoundingly as well.

I remember the time I told God I was disappointed with myself and God said, “How did you get to where you are now?”

And it reminded me of all the times I failed to prepare for my exams or whatever, and God always stood by me.

He never let me fail.

And it reminded me of all the times I sought God and said, “Please help me understand this, please turn this around.”

And He did. He never failed me.

I will not pretend I deserve any A’s, I know it is only God’s overwhelming favour over my life that turns my B’s into A’s. I will not pretend Lord, that this is easy for me. You’ve always told me I will have a tough time in university, but You also said that You will get me through it. Only You know Lord, how miserable all of these make me feel, only You can understand. I know You know that You didn’t make me a natural at this for a reason, because it is only then that I know I can’t live my life without You. Only through that will it become apparent in my life that I can’t do anything without hanging on to You and saying, “Let me boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that Your perfect power may rest in me.” Because it is when I am good at something that I forget I needed You. It is when I become good at something that I forget that all things come from You.

I will not pretend that I am one of those people who can do all things without You. I have no resolve, no will, no nothing, without You.

There is no better, more important lesson that I can get from this life. Help me Lord, to keep my eyes on You, because I know that this refining process can only be good for me. It will hurt, I will struggle, but I will come out of it exactly the way You want me to be.

Lord, I will put my trust in You. Please stop giving me any ridiculous honours that will make me think I am better than I really am any more. Because I really can’t handle them. I can’t handle any A’s or A+’s because they’re bigger than I am, they’re too good for me. They don’t look right on me. I don’t know what to do with them.

Give me just enough, so that I will remember that it was You who delivered me out of my nothingness.

***

Elysia is right though, look at how God makes things happen for me. I am too humbled by it, this overwhelming love. It makes me even more ashamed of myself, it makes me believe even more strongly that I am undeserving of life itself.

Oh isn’t it ironic? I tell the whole world “Focus on Jesus, not the devil” and I’m doing it to myself.

***

“4 For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O Lord,

You know it altogether.

5 You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there;

9 If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,

And Your right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”

Even the night shall be light about me;

12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother’s womb.

14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret.

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned before me,

When as yet there were none of them.“

- Psalm 139

On The American Election

Edited!

Nic: you know what sort of president would be an awesome president
Nic : someone like tozer
Nic : haha
Nic : who would probably pray his way through every possible crisis

Not just that, but he would be the kind of president who desires God’s will in every circumstances, he’ll probably be spending more of his time on his knees rather than giving talks. And he wouldn’t care less whether or not his policies pleased people, as long as they were right.

In my selfish, non-confrontational way, I am thankful I won’t have to vote. But what I can do, is pray that those who CAN vote will seek God’s will and vote wisely.

***

I’ve been listening to some really really old songs. It’s so refreshing because there is hardly any “self” in them. These days all we do is whine about ourselves in the songs, even when we’re trying to glorify God. It tires me out just singing them sometimes.

“I give You praise for You deserve it
I give You praise for what You’ve done
I give You praise for You are able
I give You praise ’til I overcome

I give You praise when the sun is shining
I give You praise in the dark of night
I give You praise when the battle rages
I give You praise ’til it works out right

The shout of the King is among us
God lives here in our praises
The shout of the King is among us
Praise Him praise Him
Praise Him in everything

Heaven opens as we sing Your praise
Angels join us as we praise Your name”

- Shout of the King, Hillsong

People

1. While trying to plan an Ice Breaker with my sister, I realised that I am more than just cold and immensely anti-social. I think it might be because I cannot stand the attention that comes with being part of society. We were thinking of questions to ask new people in church and I said, “If I were new and people kept asking me questions I would be really irritated and never come back.”

2. This probably explains why I am having so much trouble with this person I’m finding hard to love because she LOVES attention and I’m like, “Why on EARTH would anyone sms ten boys ten million times a day?” And it is so hard to make her understand that it is not about whether or not people get irritated by it, but it all boils down to respect. If you know how to respect a person, and you want people to respect you, you won’t push your way through. You will not try to violate that person’s personal space and ignore what that person tells you ALL because YOU have a burning desire to tell that person something or to get whatever it is you want from that person.

3. Oh well. Nic and I concluded that ministry is great until you have to deal with people. In fact, life is great until you have to deal with people. And you just cannot understand what makes people so difficult. It also makes me wish I lived 2000 years ago. I really think that the culture of subjectivity that we have here now is the root of many problems. Everyone thinks they’re the most important person, their opinion is all that matters. Which wouldn’t at all be bad except they want to impose it on other people and act like brats when it doesn’t happen.

4. But then again, let it be said that there are many amazing people on earth who make ministry AND living worthwhile. I am soooooo happy to see Keith back again! Yesterday morning I woke up LATE and it was fully one of those, “Don’t touch me, don’t come near me, don’t talk to me because I bite” days but this made me laugh and think that things were going to be okay BECAUSE KEITH IS BACK:

“Good morning!! This is vibrant food delivery service but only to church haha!! Please let me know if you all need lunch before 1145 thankz!! Other later than that please call hotline ______!! Have a nice day (^_^)”

Sigh I don’t think I’ve met a more selfless person than Keith. He has such an amazingly pure SERVANT heart and I missed his lame jokes even though I always tell him I don’t want to hear them, haha.

THE most amazing thing though, is that I was craving for curry rice but because we were SO late my sis told Keith he didn’t have to get us anything and when we reached EVERYONE WAS eating and Keith says he doesn’t feel like eating his curry rice so he gave it to me! But I don’t know if he was just being the selfless person that he was and now I feel bad.

5. Haha this made me laugh too. Cephas asked me if I could give him a crash course on Lit one day before his A Levels and I said okay then he said, “I’ll buy you a Torres jersey if I get an A.”

“REALLLLLY?“

“Yeah, the pasar malam kind lar.”

6. And yesterday I really grew to appreciate my Vibe group SO MUCH. We have a such perfect understanding of each other, and I think we’re the only group that’s capable of laughing at ourselves. We are so easygoing and HONEST and comfortable with each other that we never realised that not everyone likes the way we function.

7. Having joint cells can be interesting but it’s strange when you say something, like when I shared that my struggle is with food and people are like, “Really?” and I look at my Vibe members and they go, “Yeah, her struggle is DEFINITELY with food.”

8. I am so glad David’s dad is fine! But I realised I really only talked to him because of what happened to him and it was great that he knew that people love him. I think he is super funny and hello, he loves mutton briyani so I love him, hahaha.

9. My daddy is so awesome. He might be coming down next week to see me because I’m so busy and exams end SO LATE this year that by the time I come home he’ll be in the US. Every time I see my daddy I know I can do well. Haha also, yesterday I came to the conclusion that after I graduate, I’m going to follow my parents around for 2 years and be their disciple or something. Even if God does not specifically call me to do exactly what they do, I think I’ll get to learn a lot of things that will prepare me for my calling anyway.

10. I am really glad to know Mercy. She makes me feel ashamed of myself, haha because I am so…she is SO eager to learn! Ravi is so hard to read but still she’s trying…and I never finished the book myself!

11. And I love everyone who tried to speak sense into me yesterday. I came home really convinced that this is a time of preparation for me, and I have to understand that and not set my heart on things that are not yet mine to have or to do. I have to be patient and know that there is a time for everything, and God will not delay His word.

12. I really think God gives me different types of friends for the different seasons in my life. I am glad to have the friends I have who really challenge me to grow, who talk to me about things we don’t know the answers to. [Haha I'm referring to you guys here, Nic and Ying!] But somehow talking about them and trying to figure out what the Bible says about them helps us to see how farsighted God was in putting us here together in the first place. Am especially thankful for the kind of deep conversations we have together as a cell. It helps me to be thankful, to know that even if nothing comes out of my degree, I made meaningful friends, I made friends who will make a difference in the world one day.