Your Love Makes Me Sing

Just last Sunday I was telling my sister that it annoys me every time people pluck Jeremiah 29:11 out of context and quote it and then ignore the part that comes after it because for me, what comes after is the most important part. Where God says, “12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, and I will bring You out of captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.”

This could or could not be inspired by what Chinh [my brother-in-law] once preached. God could give you all these great things that He has promised you, but what matters most is that He also gives you Himself. That He says, “Just call on me whenever, I will be there. I will listen, I will rescue you, I will restore you.” I believe that what makes God’s plans great and peaceful and hopeful for us is not so much what it contains, but this sense of rightness that we have with God, the initimacy and desperation that flows out from a heart that is tired of having its own way and now desires His will. That’s what makes it great and meaningful. That’s what gives us the assurance that we need.

So many times, we just WANT the plan, we just tell ourselves, “God I know you have great plans for me, I will claim that promise.” But what happens to the part where God says, “Come back to me, trust me, turn from your ways”?

But today, I think I may have to quote it out of context just for a bit.

So I found out that I was awarded the MOE Teaching Award today. Obviously, I cannot accept it because I already have a scholarship that doesn’t require me to teach for 4 years after I graduate. Also, I know for sure that I do not want to be a teacher. Maybe I will teach in other ways, but I know that my calling is not to be a school teacher.

Anyway, what struck me was that it reminded me of the prayer that I offered to God at the start of my internship. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would give me strength and courage and wisdom to get through it, I asked for control and respect from my students.

And guess what? I never felt like I got it.

In fact a lot of times I just felt like giving up. I felt like this generation was not worth wasting my energy on. I felt like I didn’t have to care if people didn’t care about Literature. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t even control a class.

But today, I also read an amazing verse that reminded me of a few things God spoke to me throughout that period of time:

“1 Because I love Zion,

I will not keep still.

Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem,

I cannot remain silent.

I will not stop praying for her

until her righteousness shines like the dawn.”

- Isaiah 62:1

I remember after surviving my first week, I told everyone, “There’s a whole mission field out there. These people desperately need God.”

So why am I not responding to it? Why have I stopped praying for them?

You know, I truly believe I got the award out of a desperation on their part, not because I was really good at my job. I mean, come on, no one ever had time to supervise or observe my teaching, all the other Lit teachers were just so grateful they had someone to sit in the classrooms. But I believe that God allowed it to happen for a few reasons.

1. I think He’s testing my heart.

Today as I was reading Judges and God was testing the hearts of the people to see if they would chase after idols or continue to worship Him, I realised one thing. Every time we talk about God testing us, a lot of people would respond by saying, “If God is omniscient, why would He need to test you? He already knows what you’ll do what.”

And the point is this, when God tests us, it is not for His own benefit, but ours. He does it so that we’ll know what lies within our hearts. He tests us so that we may know how wicked our ways are. Of course He knows what we’ll do, but do we know what we’ll do?

To be honest, my first instinct was to say, “God I don’t need this lar, I wouldn’t be able to tahan teaching for another 4 years, plus every holiday.”

But I sat down and thought about it. I thought how nice it was that they’re offering to sponsor us for exchange in foreign countries. And I thought about how stressed my dad sounded when I said I wanted to go for exchange in America or New Zealand. And I thought about the kind of burdens I’ll be placing on my parents who will no longer have a “fixed” income from next year onwards. They’re literally going out there to live their lives by faith and I’m being all bratty and saying I want to have fun and go on exchange.

And I have to say, I was tempted. The money is pretty decent, you’ll always have job security. In fact, I won’t even have to look for a job!

But then I also thought about the many lives I would ruin if I made the wrong choice. Not just my own, or my parents’, but the lives of all these kids. During my internship I had about 200 students, can you imagine if I were a real teacher? I would have far more than that, and if I had no passion for English [that's the first course they decided I should take] or Literature, I’ll be wasting their time and mine. If I get to teach in a JC, that’d be far worse. These kids will be robbed of the A they could’ve gotten had they had a good teacher.

Anyway, so I knew that God was testing me: Would I take the easy way out or would I choose God’s brand of security? Would I choose to live my life chasing after ideals I don’t really care about when I could be living out the dreams that God has planted in my heart?

Now I know this makes me sound utterly selfish, but the thing is this: I cannot be chasing after everything. I cannot save the world all by myself. God spoke to me recently about this crazy need of mine to just do EVERYTHING. Like I said, “I feel so strongly about SO many things. Is God asking me to do them all?” And God said, “You are not invincible. Don’t worry, just do what I call you to do.”

So let it be known that I think it is extremely important that we have Godly Literature teachers in Malaysia and Singapore, so that people understand the importance of not just feeding the mind, but the soul and spirit. That people will learn to become better people, and learn to find God in books, in the world, wherever.

I remember the time I was going through this story with them, and I was asking them if they thought it was right to “play God” and someone said “God is evil anyway.”

I’m ashamed of myself because I was too stunned to do anything much about it. I wanted to take up the entire hour talking about apologetics or something like that, but I couldn’t.

But I felt, I knew there was this deep hunger within all these kids that needs to be filled by God. They wanted to find God, but they didn’t know how to, didn’t know where to go.

Which is why Ying, I really hope you’ll be taking it up. I just feel that personally God is telling me He wants me to do something else. And He wants to see if I will trust Him, or try to craft my own future.

2. He’s letting me know that He has a plan for me!

Plans that will prove He is mindful of me.

The only reasons why I would think of becoming a teacher are very practical ones. I don’t want my parents to worry, I want to feel like I have my life all figured out. [These are also the reasons why I feel slightly offended whenever I tell people I'm a Lit student and they go, "So you're going to be a teacher?" HELLO, do editors grow on trees? But ha, I don't think I'll be an editor either, maybe only as a side job to finance my ministry or something. ] But one of the first things that I thought of when I was wondering why they gave it to me despite knowing that I already have a pretty good scholarship, was that God was showing me that in everything, He will provide.

I felt very strongly that He was saying to me that He will always put good things in my path. If He can do that at times when I don’t need anything, He will also do it at times when I need answers, open doors, clear paths.

And to me, that answered my recent prayer to God. I don’t know why God is asking me to wait, but I know it’ll be worth the wait. I know He is saying, “What I am preparing for you, it is what your heart truly desires. You will do it for Me, and I will be glorified through it.”

I feel like by rejecting this offer, I am closing the door on another chapter in my life.

I’ve been teaching since I was 11, and now I really do feel like God is saying it is time to move on.

And I really can’t wait to see what God has in store for me next!

That’s What The Love of God Can Do

Yesterday my sis and I had a super long chat with Pastor Rachel and we talked about everything from full-time ministry to food.

A few things I’ve realised:

1. I used to be one of those people who said that I don’t want to get married or have kids because I want to have a CAREER first or something like that. But really, the more I know God, the more sure I am that I cannot have a normal job. I cannot BE in any way normal. And it just never occurred to me how crazy and selfish that thought was – the whole “I must have all of these to have a fulfilling life” [well in those days I thought I could be a journalist who would travel to war-torn countries and write books like this and change the world or something] idea and now I find that what is fulfilling to me, the world can never offer me that.

2. I think I might be even open to the idea of getting married. By that I mean that my life will not be a disaster if one day God says He has prepared this person for me and I have no choice but to marry him because He’s been preparing me for him also. But this is also because I realised that I do really want to adopt and I want to adopt a few, not just one lor, so I wouldn’t be able to do everything on my own.

3. But I am super thankful that God hasn’t said anything to me about whether or not He wants me to get married because hello, look at my sis. Poor thing, so stressed about anything. I was thinking that if I ever get married, I will just do a simple simple ceremony with family, full stop. I’d hate the attention, all the planning, all the craziness, that goes with a super big wedding. And my sis said that only the first daughter has to have an elaborate ceremony and everything anyway, and my sister’s one will definitely be crazy big. So today I am thankful that my parents are getting everything from my sister so they probably expect nothing from me.

4. I cannot help it. When my sister told me about how all these people are reluctant to give up their lives for God because they think that it can only mean one thing – singleness, I just feel so upset. Have people never heard of couple ministry? Not just that though, but what makes people think that God cannot fulfill them? That they need a man to fulfill them?

Maybe that’s the reason why I admire Kathryn Kulhman so much. She had the desire to get married, she tried to do things her own way, but ultimately, she came back to God and surrended her will for His. And her life was great. She lacked of nothing! She was still attractive, and still is to so many of us who never had a chance to see her speak.

5. When you go into ministry, you really must go in with the willingness to put down your life for God. Because people will wear you down – I’m not even in ministry and people ALREADY wear me down, imagine having to give your life to all these people 24 hours a day – circumstances will bring you down, the devil will try to tear you down. I think that every day you just have to go back to God and say, “Lord, this is Your life. I’m doing this for You. Help me to never lose sight of that, help me to never think that this is about me, so that I won’t rely on my own strength. Lord, unless you go with me wherever I go, I cannot do this.”

6. That realisation really makes me think my parents are the most amazing people in the world. You know how my mum went to the US with $50 in her pocket, not even knowing A SINGLE PERSON, I don’t know how she survived. But she survived on faith and God repaid that faith. Me and my sis, we get upset when we have like $100 to survive on for the month! We were just saying, “We don’t really hear any FAITH FAITH stories anymore.” No one goes out there even when they don’t have enough and say, “God, You brought me here. You will provide.” The closest experience I have to that is when we went to Vietnam last year and we didn’t have enough, all of us put in all our money and we were short of a little bit but we went. When we were there, someone called and said, “God told me I was supposed to give you all these money.” And it was THE exact amount that we needed.

7. And my dad too, I cannot put into words the things he has done for me. As we were talking yesterday, I realised that truly it is a BLESSING, not a burden, not a bad thing, to be able to share your dad with other people. To know that your daddy goes out there to make a difference in people’s lives. A lot of pastors’ kids grow disgruntled and angry with their parents for not being there for them, but my dad, he was there when it mattered, he didn’t spoil me by being there ALL the time, I think his being away occasionally made me appreciate everything he had done for me even more. And he was there for other people when God wanted Him to be there. The most amazing men in the world, the only men deserving of praise I think, are those who put God first. I thank God so much that He has revealed the Father’s heart to me through my father, and I thank God also that He has put such a big father’s heart in my father, that he has become a father not just to his own children, but also to the fatherless.

8. Sometimes I think one reason why I hate school so much is because I believe that if God could give people like Tozer, Moody, Wigglesworth the kind of revelation they had with the kind of education [or rather, the lack of education] that they had, there is no reason why He cannot do it for me too. And maybe, that is also why I seem to be rejecting God’s call to reach out to the intellectuals – because I tell myself I don’t need all these intellectual nonsense, I just need to be able to bring God’s presence down. I don’t want to have to study so hard for something I don’t care about to reach people, I only need to have God.

But this is a different generation. It’s ridiculous what’s happening with the churches – they’ve become businesses, I read the other day someone wrote that she hates Christian books because ” It’s as if Jesus said Go forth into all the world and market me and capitalize off of me.” [Source: flowerdust.net], they’ve become all kinds of funny things, I can’t keep up with it. It seems to me sometimes that we’re so obsessed with perfect planning and perfect books and perfect programs and “perfect Christianity” that we no longer have any time to stop and listen to God.

And I don’t know what is it that God is asking me to do, but one thing I know for sure is this: that this is where God wants me to be. He made that clear enough. So I don’t know, why am I so angry with my circumstances? One thing amazing that I realised about God’s faithfulness: why do I still do well even though I barely study? Reading Romans, I can only come to one conclusion: Nothing stops God’s faithfulness, even when I’m being unfaithful in His present calling for me by messing up my life with my laziness and “don’t care” attitude, God carries me through not because of me. No, because He is faithful, and He will not let my fleshy desires interfere with His WILL, His calling for me.

You know, this really humbles me. Really it does.

9. Me and my sis, we were talking about how hard it is for people to see that what we’re doing is through God, and not our own effort because everyone thinks we’re so smart and all these funny ideas we have no idea where they get from. And she said something about being really happy when people spot her weaknesses and then detect a change in it because that’s when she can tell that God is being glorified.

When is God being glorified in my life?

I don’t know.

Sometimes I think I should be a little like Nic, who takes everything so seriously, who puts so much effort into everything, who really puts HERSELF into everything. But I’ve been lazy all my life, I don’t know how to be anything else.

Sigh.

10. And as I was listening to them talk about how difficult full-time ministry is, I keep asking myself if this is what I want. Because if I cannot imagine myself working under any company, then obviously the only other option is to go into full-time ministry. And I asked myself whether I have been saying no to God, maybe that’s why I’m so aimless in life.

Then I realised I’ve set a lot of crazy conditions for God:

- I don’t want to work in a church

- I want a bit of my own space

- i want to have people who are easy to love

Who knows what else. I don’t know, I guess all the politics that takes place in church, it’s a real turn-off for me, but always I remember that if God put you there for a reason then you go and live that reason. I always feel like I cannot go into full-time ministry because it is impossible for me to love people, but the God who loves me makes all things possible! So you see, it’s all about me and my limitations, isn’t it? Never once have I said, “GOD I AM READY FOR THIS EXCITING JOURNEY BECAUSE LIFE WITH YOU CAN ONLY BE EXCITING. I know there will be times when I’ll harbour murderous thoughts, I know I might never get to see You glorified in my lifetime, but GOD LET’S GO!” It’s always, “Hold on God, are you SURE about this?”

Sigh, and if I were God, that would be reason enough to deny me my spiritual gifts or calling, HAHA. I’m just kidding God, Your love is REALLY ridiculous, as Ps Rachel said. I cannot understand it.

11. Nic once said Tozer makes everything sound so easy, and Ps Rachel was also saying people who write books make it sound so easy, just go and tell people this and that and their lives will be changed. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Sometimes people’s hearts are hardened towards God. What can you do about it? What WILL God do about it?

12. It was so good to see Aunty Gwen yesterday. Every time I came to Singapore as a kid, she would take care of us. She has so much of a heart for people, and she taught us how to deal with difficult people who are just looking to push your buttons when all you want to do is genuinely help them find God, genuinely help them develop THEIR OWN relationship with God. If I become half the person that she is by the time I am 24, I will be happy.

13. But maybe the problem is this, that I keep thinking I am such a terrible person, impossible to love or love others. And if only I have a little bit of what she has, or a little bit of what he has, then I’d be great. But God, He has different ideas. I’ll be great in my own way, maybe just not the way the world wants me to be. But when God is done with me, I’ll be good in His eyes. That’s all that should matter.

14. We really have come to depend too much on the things of this world. It’s crazy for me that we have to think, “Will we have football in heaven?”, “Will we get butter maple waffles in heaven?”, “What happens when we don’t have tv in heaven?” Truthfully, those are normal when you’re thinking in terms of the flesh, but personally I think that when I get to heaven, I’ll be so overwhelmed by God, none of these things will matter to me anymore. I don’t believe there will be a bone in me that will CARE for these things when I’m there, I’ll be too busy talking to John the Baptist [haha my sis said, "Would you run to John the Baptist or Tozer first?"] AND Tozer and Elijah and everyone else. If even a few minutes in God’s presence makes you forget about yourself, what more could an eternity do?

15. It is often when we relinquish our most precious desires and dreams that God gives them to us.

***

“26 For you see your calling, brethen, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many might, not many noble, are called. 27 But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; 28 and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, 28 that no flesh should glory in His presence.”

- 1 Corinthians 26 – 28

Convert or Die

“My neighbours said, ‘If you go on being Christians, we will burn your houses and your children in front of you, so make up your minds quickly. I was scared. Christians have no place in this area now. … I’m totally broken. I have always been a Christian. Inside I am still praying for Jesus to give me peace and to take me out of this situation.” —Jaspina Naik, a 32-year-old believer in the Indian village of Sarangagada, who was forced to convert to Hindu in the midst of the anti-Christian violence that has officially claimed at least 60 lives and left more than 50,000 homeless. In another Orissa town, pastor Ashish Digal was one of the majority of believers who have since converted because of threats by mobs representing the militant nationalist group Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP). For many, the conversion ceremonies include a “purification” ritual of eating a mixture of cow dung and urine. ‘They said, ‘If you don’t become Hindu, we’ll burn your houses too and start killing you,’ said Digal, who was also instructed to burn any Bibles he possessed. “I’ve been forced to convert. Everyone is being converted. They beat us in the fields. I went to the temple. We had to say that we belonged to the Hindu state of Orissa, and that from this day we are Hindus.” [guardian.co.uk, 10/19/08]

Today, I am thankful for religious freedom.

Today, I am also ashamed that I have been taking that freedom for granted.

Today, I am more determined than ever to stand in the gap for my nation – I don’t want to one day find myself in the same situation. I do not want this to happen in my nation.

***

You know, reading about things like that, it makes my heart stop. And it makes me think about our own idea of what being persecuted is like – it’s so HOLLOW and shallow. A lot of times we get upset when people disagree with our worldview, but can you imagine being forced to denounce Jesus?

If I’m honest with myself, I’d wonder, what would my response be?

I’d imagine that I would stand up for the truth.

But will I have the courage to STAND UP FOR THE TRUTH?

Praying for Adult Children

Today, as I read this, I was so thankful that my dad is the kind of dad who trusts God enough to let me stumble and make my own mistakes, and not try to protect me all the time.

“Several years ago I talked with the leader of a Christian rehabilitation ministry, and he said that the most difficult young people to help are those of Christian parents. He went on to say, “They refuse to let their children suffer the consequences of their behavior. Often, they are concerned about how they will look in the eyes of others, or fear being judged and found lacking. Some will question their faith.”

When we see our adult children under attack we immediately begin “fighting” the devil. Satan becomes the focus of our prayers, and we fail to realize that each individual has to walk his own spiritual journey by his own free will. If he is to mature and develop character, we can’t walk his path for him. We have to allow each child to develop character and wait on God to direct our prayers.

In Luke 22:31–32 we read a conversation Jesus had with Peter, which shows the foreknowledge Jesus had of the trial Simon was facing. Even though Jesus knew Satan’s plan for Simon, He did not rebuke the devil; He didn’t stop the attack. He did not try to control Peter’s decision. Instead He prayed for Simon Peter, and He prayed for the positive results of Peter’s outcome.

We know that Peter yielded to temptation, but we only have to read the Book of Acts and Peter’s epistles to understand that God’s will was done in his life. God turned what Satan meant for destruction into development of Peter’s character. Peter fulfilled his divine destiny.

We must trust God with our adult children—even when we can see the spiritual trials they are facing and the plan of Satan to ensnare them. We are so quick to blame the devil and to attack him with a vengeance. Where is our trust? “Lord,” we pray, “You have the power to deliver my child from the attack of the enemy. Don’t let Satan harass him.”

Jesus, however, keeps praying, “Father, don’t let his faith fail, but use this time to purify his faith.” Do we want it our way or God’s way? Remember, you were not too hard for God, and neither is the adult child for whom you are praying.

We…do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may have a walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him.—Colossians 1:9–10″

- Germaine Copeland

***

Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.  Luke 22:31–32

Bittersweet

“As I listen to Jeremiah’s cries, I recognize that they arise out of a deep love for the very people he was called upon by God to pronounce judgment. As Abraham Joshua Heschel notes, “[Jeremiah] was a person overwhelmed by sympathy for God and sympathy for man. Standing before the people he pleaded for God. Standing before God he pleaded for his people.”(2) Oftentimes, my own overwhelming sadness arises when I look out upon a world that seems to love evil more than good, darkness more than light. And yet, like Jeremiah, I have sympathy for the very same people. I grieve over their self-imposed predicaments, their bad choices, and their selfish indulgences. As Jesus said amidst tears about the people in his own day, “If you had known in this day, even you, the things which make for peace” (Luke 19:42). It is more than appropriate for us to weep and lament over the sin of the world–the sin that we, too, participate in and condone.

But beyond this, there are simply some realities in life that at times are overwhelming: the inevitability of ageing, death, and loss, poverty, hunger, homelessness, relational disruption, and many others. I grieve over those who find themselves on the losing end of things, who through no fault of their own always find themselves in last place or left behind. Lament arises from the despair of looking honestly at these realities for what they are, and wishing for something else. It is the despair that arises from not knowing what can be done or how to overcome.

Yet it has been said that “the cry of pain is our deepest acknowledgment that we are not home.” The author continues, “We are divided from our own body; our own deepest desires; our dearest relationships. We are separated and long for utter restoration. It is the cry of pain that initiates the search to ask God, ‘What are you doing?’ It is this element of a lament that has the potential to change the heart.”(3) If this is true, then sometimes my overwhelming sorrow, my feelings of bitterness over some of the harsh or inevitable realities of life are, in fact, the crucible for real change. The same waters of despair that seek to drown and overwhelm are the waters of cleansing. So indeed, let the tears flow, “for if [the LORD] causes grief, then He will have compassion according to his abundant lovingkindness.”(4) Let lament have its way of bittersweet transformation.”

- Margaret Manning

Even in the small things…

Today, I am grateful for:

1. LTC friends!

Haha friends who make you laugh-tillyou-cry.

Today we laughed so hard [it's our response to trauma, sigh] that people gave us THE LOOK.

2. Double decker buses!

199 is always ridiculously FULL. I don’t know why anyone has not died of asphyxia while on it yet. But double decker buses give me lots of space, and today I think I needed lots of space.

Oh and I loooove double decker buses! I love to sit at the top, just so fun. I don’t know why.

3. Apple chips!

Sigh.

4. Friendly guards!

Okay, let me tell you a secret. I’d rather walk all the way to the main entrance than take the side entrance sometimes because I am so embarrassed having to ask the guards to open the door for me!

But today, one of the guards saw me walking over and OPENED the door for me before I even reached the door lor! And he smiled at me and asked me what time the supermarket closes, hahaha.

He is super funny also. Once my sis and I came home at 1 am and I said, “Good night!” to him and he laughed and said, “What good night? Good morning!”

5. Non-splashy showers

For a week now I think something was wrong with our shower head and water was spewing all over the place. But today someone bought a new one and fixed it for us, so yay! No more super wet and slippery floors!

6. Extension of deadline for my South-East Asian Lit essay

Actually, I don’t know if this is a good thing or not since my Film Theory essay will be due the week after, and then my stats project is due the week AFTER THAT. And 5 days later, I think, I have my first exam paper. IT IS NOT REGISTERING YET.

But I’ve been so tired, and after the past week, I just haven’t been in the mood to delve into any annoying, whiny SEA Lit texts so I’m grateful to at least be able to have a bit of a rest from that.

How Deep Your Love For Me

Sometimes, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been very moody and unbearable lately, but I thank God that even through my moodiness, He still desires to use me.

All the time, I fail to grasp the way God works, but I am thankful always that there is a place for me in His heart.

I know God loves me very much, but a lot of times I find it very hard to love myself.

I thank God that He gave me good friends who are patient with me even when they can’t stand me.

I thank God for good friends who bear with me, love me, and are always there for me even when they don’t want to.

I wonder why the only appropriate response to God’s love is to break down in tears?

***

Dear God,

I feel so lonely and lost here. I feel like nobody really cares what I’m going through, because they see what you do for me, and they don’t see how I struggle, and they don’t understand that I am capable of struggling.

I know I’m not a super human or a miracle worker, so why do people treat me like I am?

I think I’m being harsh on myself but I do think that there is something wrong with the way I’m living my life if people see me instead of You in everything I achieve.

But then again, maybe they are right. I have no right to complain or moan – in fact Your word tells me to give thanks in all circumstances, and that trials will only lead to character, and character, hope.

I just wish sometimes, that people would give me room to fail.

That people will see that I CAN fail.

That people will LET me fail.

I feel like I can’t breathe because people expect so much of me.

So please come and rescue me.

***

Someone told me her Lit was dying but she got the highest marks in class and thanked me for giving her my Frankenstein notes. To be honest I don’t think I have anything to do with it, but I thank God that nothing is ever wasted, and all the time I spent struggling with Frankenstein certainly wasn’t, because it helped someone achieve something. And I felt God saying also to not limit the way He can use something REALLY REALLY small to achieve things that will impact other people’s lives.

Also, talked to Charlene last night about people and trust. And I hope I helped her understand things from a different angle although I felt ridiculously hopeless throughout.

On Saturday, I found myself IN a commitment I don’t know how I made. I found myself agreeing to travel 2 hours every Wednesday just to study the Bible with Mercy and someone else. And I think God wanted me to do it for a reason. I’ve been asking Him how I can serve Him if I can’t love people, and His response is, “Well, we’ll start with actually LOVING the people who are the hardest for you to love.” There is no challenge that God can give you without making sure He has a solution and PURPOSE to it. I hope I can live up to it. I hope that this is a real chance for me to learn to love [especially from someone with such a big heart like Mercy! This is like indirect mentoring haha and I've been praying for a mentor of sorts so yay!] and be less cynical and impatient. More importantly, I hope that I’ll be able to help this person love herself because God loves her. Even if I can’t – yet.

One of the reasons why I’ve been upset with myself, I suppose, is because I’ve discovered my temper again. It’s really scary, and I was really shaken by it, really upset with myself when I found that I managed to let it go loose. I hate this kiasu thing that I have in me, this need to win all the time, this belief that I have the Godly right to win, really. It’s not right, it’s not healthy and it doesn’t please God. I realise I get too aggressive when I’m being passionate, or angry, or when I want to win. And if this is the way I’m going to be, I’m never going to draw anyone to Christ!

And I hate how Chinh is always SO annoyingly right. Hahaha, he said, “If God can respect people’s decision to not accept Him, we should too.” And I know. But it bugs me that all I can do SEEMS to be something so passive, pray that God opens their eyes to the truth, or reveals Jesus to them.

But when I think about it, since when was it up to me? My dad always says, “It is AS THE SPIRIT WILLS” and only God Himself knows when is the perfect time that He’ll draw each person to Him. My responsibility is just to make myself available when God knocks on the doors of their heart, and they don’t know how to find God, or how to let Him in.

I remember last week we were talking about guilt – who makes us feel guilty? And I said I am harsh on myself, but the devil plays on that and tortures me, so that I think I’m totally worthless and I keep thinking that no one likes me because I’ve done all these crazy things.

And I realised that I need to be very careful when I get angry with myself, because the devil also makes me believe a lot of crazy things. He makes me believe I am just not good enough for God. He makes me look at people around me and say, “See? This person is doing all these great things while you’re sitting down wondering about your calling.” or “See? Everyone likes your sister more than you, no one likes you.” or “Why would God want to use someone like you when he can use this pretty girl there? Or that smart girl over at that corner? Or the one with that beautiful heart?”

It’s funny that during Bible study Daniel was talking about the need for Christian intellectuals to stand up for God, and it reminded me of the time I did Medieval Lit and studied Beowulf and Chaucer. And I realised that one reason why Literature makes me feel so depressed is because they’ve removed God out of their world. And it’s so scary for me, that people can write books that say, “If you don’t believe in God and morality – which are human constructs – then murder is not wrong.” It’s just men evading responsibility! And I remember that I was talking to someone about it, and he said, “Go reclaim Literature for God.”

And I thought how do I do that? I’m not lucky enough to be in a Christian college with Literature professors who put God at the center of how they read everything. And I’m not very passionate about Literature, neither do I have the kind of instinct for it that Nic has.

But I do know that the world is messed up – literature is messed up, philosophy is messed up – because we no longer include God in the equation of things. And the answer to all these mess is Jesus. I know Jesus.

After I was challenged to stop moaning and do something, there were a few instances in which God spoke to me about the need to reclaim Literature [and philosophy] for Him, and I realised that I’ve either been repressing it, or forgot about it until Daniel started talking again about intellectuals and I remembered that there was something in me that just wanted to delve into all these intellectual stuff because I know that God also loves the people who construct laws to disprove His existence. So I told Daniel what I thought and he said that if I feel so strongly that God is calling for people to reclaim Literature for Him, then maybe that’s His calling for me.

I’ve really thought about it for a few days, asking God if this is really what He wants me to do, especially as I also feel strongly about a lot of things, and sometimes my heart’s desire is to reach out to people who are oppressed, not people who oppress themselves by denying God. And I realised that I’ve been saying no to Him all this while because I believe that I’m not good enough in Literature. And also because I lack self-discipline, I cannot make myself sit down and dismantle all these arguments.

And this reminded me of a post I wrote almost exactly one year ago, when I had just entered university and God was humbling me:

“I was talking to a friend today and I just realised, in my newly discovered state of humility, how hard it is to be friends with people who are really smart. You always feel somewhat inadequate and if you try to discuss assignments with them, you go back feeling like your ideas are nothing special. [This is what a friend told me, but I only really felt the truth in it recently.]

It made me think of how God redresses the balance for me through His grace. And I just felt so happy and thankful [and disgusted with self for thinking I deserve more] that God chooses to honour me even when I don’t honour Him back. I cannot find any other way to explain why He doesn’t just let me fall, because I deserve it.

I have come to the point where I really realise that Literature is not the right thing for me [for want of a better way of putting "I am not smart enough to do Literature."]. I cannot observe internal rhymes, I don’t even know what figurative and rhetorical language are, even after checking the dictionary ten times. I know that I don’t possess any real intelligence, but what is real intelligence when compared to the knowledge of God’s greatness? Or the weight of Godly wisdom?

What IS any kind of worldly intelligence compared to the ideas God can give you regardless of how intelligent you are? What is ANY kind of positive quality compared to what God WANTS for us?

I feel a great sense of relief after facing these revelations, because I know I can stop relying on myself. I can only achieve nothing with my insensitivity towards poetic conventions. I can instead go back to God’s promise that He WANTS to go through this together with me, and that He will help me through my struggles, He will make this right for me.”

Now that I’ve been through two semesters, and EXPERIENCED how God can miraculously restore any of my bad grades and elevate me above others as long as I submit to Him and ask Him for wisdom in my work, I know that not being good enough is not an excuse. God has shown me that He doesn’t care as much for talent as He does for a willing, submissive and obedient heart.

All of a sudden too, as I struggle with figuring out what God wants me to do with my life, I remember a prophecy my beloved Aunty Ginny [I love her, she always says things that really speak to my heart, and I believe this is because she has a heart that loves people, so God reveals the contents of THEIR hearts to her] gave me a few years ago. She said, “All your wildest dreams will come true.” [Also, Jessica's, "If You will be a fool for me, I will give you all the desires of your heart."]

At that time, I just laughed at it because I didn’t really have any dreams, let alone any wild ones, and I don’t know, they just didn’t seem to carry any meaning then. And He was saying all, not just some, or the ones which fit into this plan or that one, but ALL. Now I’m starting to see how God is making everything work, how He’s pulling everything together and asking me if I would like to be part of it and all I can say is, “Wow God!”

In the past few days, I found myself again being upset with a lot of things. And again I was thinking very bad thoughts about myself. But through it all, I think God has been very patient with me. I think His heart has been hurting too every time I hurl insults at myself, belittle myself, get angry at myself.

But even through His heartache, even through my unworthiness, all He says is, “Cast all your burdens on Me for I care for you.”

My burden is His burden too, there isn’t a single burden of God’s that I cannot exclude myself from. There isn’t a single one for which I can say, “God, please don’t pick me, you know I can’t speak well and I’m afraid of people.” Really, there isn’t.

Because perfect love casts out fear.

Fear of self, fear of people, fear of failure.

Because there would only be space for the fear of the Lord.

So yeah, God, if this is what You want me to do, then let me do it. But walk with me every step of the way.

***

“So shall My Word be that goes forth from my mouth;

It shall not return to me void,

But it shall accomplish what I please,

And it shall prosper for the thing that I sent it.”

- Isaiah 55:11-12

I was inspired to start this blog after what Daniel told Cyrus, KJ and Keith.

I realised that a lot of times when I praise God, I do it RIGHT before I sleep, so sometimes I’m not even conscious of what I’m saying and 99% of the time, I’m probably asleep before I finish what I want to tell God!

So, this is an attempt to be less whiny in life and thank God for the little things that He MAKES happen.  Perhaps it is more appropriate to say that it was this question that sparked it off:

“When have you seen, whether at the time or in retrospect, that God was working together all the details and timing of events in your life?”

And because I struggled so hard to come up with an answer that would satisfy Daniel [hahaha I'm kidding :p] I realised, sigh, that maybe this would be a good idea. Whenever something happens that makes me go “OMGA DID YOU REALLY DO THAT GOD?!” it should end up here.

When I was sharing my struggles yesterday, it struck me: this is how God wants me to prepare for what He wants me to do. And since all I do is whine about how I’m sitting around waiting for things to happen and taking life one day at a time, why not praise Him for all the LITTLE things that happen. The little things that remind me that despite everything, God is sovereign still.

The title of this blog is inspired by A. W. Tozer, someone who has turned my theology and everything else upside down. I love his book, “I Talk Back To The Devil”, it’s about all those things that I could live my life for. And I love Tozer, he puts into words a lot of things I’ve always wanted to say but never dared to or didn’t know how to express! And I thought that praise is the best way to talk back to the devil, to let him know that his plan of destruction in my life is so not working!

So okay, let me start with what I believe the Holy Spirit has been teaching me this week!

1. Patience

Patience with myself, patience with others. I get impatient just thinking about the idea of being patient! It’s so not me! But then again, is God molding me to become a self-absorbed hermit, or is He shaping me to become the person He wants me to be?

I remember again how crazily I’ve been asking God for the past few months to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to discipline me, to make me fit to be used for His glory, etc. And let me tell you, when you ask God for something crazy, expect Him to respond in the craziest manner unimaginable!

Actually, I was so impatient to write this down that I cannot really recall what it is I was supposed to write here. But let’s just say a lot of people have been trying my patience this week, and at times I felt like saying “WHY SHOULD I DO THIS FOR YOU? CAN’T YOU SEE HOW TIRED I AM?” or something equally as self-absorbed as that, but then the Holy Spirit convicts me and I walk all the way back and do it even though I must be carrying 100kg worth of things and have not had a single bite to eat all day.

Grudgingly, I must add. Which brings me to the next point.

2. Character building and willingness to serve, among other things

This week, because I’m kiasu, I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to achieve certain things. And then I also had to compile stuff for the newsletter, attend meetings and PLAN ICE BREAKERS.

Now I fully think I am not made for Youth stuff, but oh well, if this is where God wants me to be, I cannot fight Him and say I feel like I’m an 80-year-old stuffed prune in Youth.

So yeah, I was very upset that EVERYTHING had to happen this week, and I had not even done enough readings for my meeting with my professor on Tuesday and I was afraid I would sound stupider than the other guy [I know, I know, I'm so lazy and yet I absolutely refuse to be second best!], or even THOUGHT about my 209 essay, let alone read the texts, etc, so I was feeling very whiny and tired and grudgy by the time Saturday was here.

I was also EXTREMELY unhappy because the sun was shining SO BRIGHTLY and I had to go to church super early so I could not go swimming. [Funnily enough, once I got on the bus it started looking gloomy and that did not help either - it just made me want to crawl back under my comforter and sleep the day away!] So throughout the journey, I did some serious whining to God, scolding Him for among other things, making me do ice breakers when 36000 Christian FAMILIES [not just people] don’t even have a home to live in in Orissa. I mean how frivolous can we get? What right do we have to be laughing and being silly when PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING? The idea of it is just so wrong and it makes me sick. Why can’t we spent our time interceding for them instead? WHY WHY WHY WHY?

And you know what God told me? He said, “I thought you wanted to make yourself available for Me. I thought you wanted to do things for Me.”

And of course, I said, impatiently, “YES GOD, but not anything to do with fun and games! Not something I have absolutely no gift or enthusiasm for.”

And as soon as I told God that, the words sounded so hollow, because helllloooo God is giving me exactly what I’ve been asking for, only not in the way I wanted it to be. And then I realised, you know, when God calls me to do His work, He’s not asking me to be the queen of the universe. He wants me to get down and DO the dirty work myself. And a lot of times, He will put me in circumstances where I will want to back out – will I back out or will I be like Paul, rejoicing in all circumstances? Will I complain or will I thank God for thinking that I am just as worthy to do the small things, than I am to do the big things?

Sigh so I was extremely ashamed of myself, but my mind refused to shut up. I was practically in “God how I wish you made me totally useless and without any gifts so no one would notice me blablabla” mode. When it later occurred to me, as I was testifying about how my disappointment with my Stats paper led to a good wake up call, that all throughout the past two weeks, that is exactly what God has been telling me. I AM totally useless without Him, so that is why there is no point in trying on my own.

Anyway, so I survived ice breakers and no one looked too bored although no one said anything scandalous like they were supposed to! But after that, I was sitting next to my Vibe leader Elysia and suddenly she turned to me and said, “Can you lead the discussions today?”

I tell you ah, when Elysia gives you a yes/no question, you better say yes! Otherwise if you try to make excuses like “HA BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO!” then she’ll probably say “You don’t know how to or lazy to?” So I said “Yeah, I think so.”

And she said, “Good, God told me to ask you to do it.”

At this point I was like “AIYO GOD WHY YOU SO MEAN TO ME TODAY? Why You keep making me do everything?”

But then right, when you have Elysia and my sister in your group, any attempt to lead the discussion is pretty futile. :p My sis just loves to talk and Elysia just slips into counsellor mode automatically, so all I can do is limply read out the questions and nod my head at the appropriate moments and try to get people to speak up [funny coz I can't even speak up myself].

So I guess God is trying to tell me that stepping out is not that crazy after all. It’s not that scary after all, and He’ll always send people to help me along the way.

Why fear?

Why let the devil tell me I’m not good enough?

Because His grace is sufficient for me. Even if I’m not, the Holy Spirit WILL make me good enough to fight the devil.

3. Discovering kindred spirits!

Haha Daniel will faint when he reads this but really lar, I find it just as hard to love people as you do. So I can totally relate to what you feel, and even as I was praying for you I think I was putting in a petition for myself too, like “LORD SHOW ME YOUR ULTIMATE PURPOSE IN ALL OF THESE COZ I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE IT’S WORTHLESS TO DO THESE ANYMORE! I really want to see what You see in people because I can’t figure it out on my own and I want to invest that faith back into their lives!”

So it is nice to know that I am not alone, and there are all sorts of people whom God can use just as powerfully as He can use someone who is smart and super talented. Even someone as cold and apathetic as I am. And you know, being able to learn and leech from you every week, I’ve seen how God has been working in your life and your heart, I see Him endearing us to you more and more every week, and I see in the words you say and the things you do, a [growing] genuine desire to love and disciple us despite our shortcomings.

And one day I want to be like that too. I want to love people because I love the God who loves them.

4. Knowing that people do love me!

Okay, one of the things I’ve been whining to God about all week is how tired I’ve gotten of people. Maybe it’s all the terrible readings I’ve had to plod through, but once in a while I always beg God to let me live alone forever hahaha.

But guess what? After saying that I absolutely CANNOT wake up to do my quiet time, now THE WHOLE WORLD WANTS TO CALL ME UP AT 8AM EVERYDAY!

But the thing is ah, I hate talking on the phone. So you guys can just send lots of SMSes to irritate me.

5. FOOD!

My sister bought porridge for me from Crystal Jade.

And people inviting me for home cooked food because I’ve been having too much comfort food and the bed gives me a very sore back!

I guess the past week hasn’t gone as badly as it seemed after all!